9: I’m going to live with you guys forever
me: I don’t ever want to hear those words come out of your mouth again
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no my tattoos do not have any meaning i am simply a child putting permanent stickers all over myself<3 stop asking pls
Chief: You’re the WORST cop in the department! Hand over your gun and badge!
Me: *realising I left both in my son’s crib* Uhhhhh….
First date – I’ll have an ice water and a lettuce wedge
Tenth date – I’ll have a large pizza, extra cheese. What do you want, honey?
John won’t let me go to dinner in my towel even thought it is my favorite outfit
*snowstorm rolls through*
*work closes*
Me: “This is the greatest day of my life!”
*daycare closes*
Me: “I wish I was dead.”
i am developing a ground brekaing new app called “MOneyWallet”, where you earn “Money Points” by mailing cash to my house
I was arrested on suspicion of accessory to peeing in a pigpen but my lawyer says they’ll drop the charges if I squeal
*Sneezes*
Dating: Bless you
Engaged: You’re adorable
Married: We need to talk
If you work on a farm and your job is to take care of chickens, you are a chicken tender.
If you like a girl in the gym aggressively walk up to her and say, “Hey babe, let me show you how that exercise is supposed to be done, sweetheart.” Instant phone number.
Yeah, I don’t think this is how it works
“GRAAAAAAIIIINNNNS” — Vegetarian Zombie
Reverse cowgirl because first dates are awkward.
I don’t always make pterodactyl noises, but when I do it’s usually because I’m walking through a crowded aisle in Walmart.
Meanwhile at the Maternity Ward…
Jokes on you, I still have a stockpile of toilet paper from the Mayan Calendar Apocalypse.
ME: When Princess Leia kissed Luke, did you know they were brother and sister?
GEORGE LUCAS: *laying in bed* How did you even get in here?
I hate to say “I told you so”, so Im going to sing it.
Dont skip breakfast! Eat a journalist! 😋
in second grade there was a new girl in my class named Treasure and her parents were hippies. i remember thinking hippies weren’t that bad. and then i met her little sister Tammy. they gave up on cool names after ONE kid! don’t be Treasure’s parents
You: *extending your hand palm up* Give me some skin!
Me: *shakes throw pillow over your hand*
Me – I can’t find the sea salt.
Wife – It’s next to the paprika.
Me – No it isn’t.
(she comes in to look, a bottle of sea salt magically appears right next to the paprika)
If I ever become a ghost, I sure hope they have some options other than pottery.
Me watching Luther: Oh you beautiful broken violent man, I would love you through it all.
Me on a date: Eyebrows don’t match, I’m out.
Me: I am become death. Destroyer of worlds.
Her: Will you please just spray the hornets’ nest?
Me: K.
Why does anyone like period dramas?
They’re bloody awful
One minute you’re young and carefree and the next you’re stuck on a park fence you thought you could still jump over 😬🤭
We are all damned fools. He tried to warn us, but we didn’t have ears to hear.
Now all I can see is that horrific smile. That knowing gaze born of higher-knowledge which says, “It is too late.”
The Papa John’s Day of Reckoning has come.
#coronapocalypse
#QuarantineAndChill
gf: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i act like i know everything?
gf: yea-
me: i knew it