9: I’m going to live with you guys forever
me: I don’t ever want to hear those words come out of your mouth again
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[hospital]
“Did my dad make it, doctor?”Billy, your dad’s in a better place now.
[crying] “HE’S DEAD?”
Haha no, he went to Disney World.
I didn’t say you are fat, I just said that going out with you feels like going on a double date
‘I’ll cut a bitch.’
– veterinarian explaining his spaying procedure
Me: Take my pic *hands him camera & giggles*
Him: What’s funny?
Me: Nothing.
Him: *presses button, explodes, dies*
Me: Ha! Photo bombed!
“Does anyone else smell barbecue, or is it just me?”
– Joan of Arc
*walks up to cashier with paper towels*
Are these the largest tampons you have?
Pregnant women go through a “nesting” phase where they make a tree fort out of twigs and parts of men they’ve killed.
Find a penny pick it up and all day long you’ll have an obsolete form of currency in your pocket.
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
I don’t want to speculate about the royal baby’s name, but I’m pretty sure it will start with #.
count dracula: at last i’ve got you wolf man
wolf man: at last i’ve got you dracula
*dracula turns into a bat*
*wolf man turns into a wolf*
godzilla: weird flex, but ok
*eats them both*
You know,this recliner and I go WAY back.
This is the dumbest apocalypse ever
“I will love you forever.” She threatened, remembering how her aunt lived to be 107.
Neighbors of serial killers always describe them as “really nice” people.
Who else is a “really nice” neighbor?
Canada.
I’m just sayin’
Picking baby names is basically just listing names until you come to a name you don’t associate with some idiot you encountered at some point in your life.
The wife: Thinking about getting a tear drop tattoo
Me: Ha, you’ve never killed anyone!
The wife:
*calls mom*
“Ma I made 3 friends on twitter today”
*long pause*
“Mom?”
*mom stares at 3 fake twitter accounts she made, fights tears*
“Mom?”
How long do you have to stop eating a meal before calling it leftovers?
Friend: Are you free this weekend?
Me: That’s not how this works. First you tell me what you had in mind and then I respond with either a “yeah” or a dishonest excuse
Got 3 boxes of tampons, Midol & Ibuprofen at the store. Checker was so scared he paid for my shit & carried it out for me.
Where on my donor card do I indicate that my organs are not to be used to save anyone who pronounces it “eck-cetera?”
I don’t think mall Santas should be allowed to have fake beards. Like come on Man, you’ve got one job!
Cat saves kid? Please. My cat would’ve pushed me into traffic, stolen my identity, & would be living it up in Mexico by now.
Digs hole so deep to bury feelings I end up in China
Marriage is alright if you like someone coming home and telling you about their day in the middle of your movie
Great! I just wet my pants. Now people are gonna think I spilled my drink on myself.
Friend: Can I be honest with you about something?
Me: Of course!
Friend: You sometimes-
Me: *walking into the ocean* Hahah I know, right?
I just found a Macklemore CD in a Thrift Shop and the Universe imploded.
[zoo]
Hey dad, where are mountain lions from?
*dad panics*
-Uhh…you see, son, when a mountain and a lion love each other very much…