[ 9 months BC ]
Mary: *changes Facebook status to “it’s complicated”
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You should see the confused look on the produce clerk’s face when I ask where I can find kale and then walk in the opposite direction that they’re pointing to.
Spice up your meltdown through interpretive dance.
When you say married… Do you mean married married… or just married?
I’m at my parenting best when I randomly yell out “be careful!” every few minutes without looking up from my phone.
The book I checked out of the library is so stained and gross, it looks like someone used it recently to deliver a foal.
This Halloween I’m going as a pissy woman who eats all the good candy and doesn’t answer the door after 8pm.
*gets bitten
*becomes shy shy
Instead of a pre-workout protein shake I have mashed potatoes and gravy and instead of working out I have mashed potatoes and gravy.
Sleeping is my drug, my bed is my dealer and my alarm is the police.🙃
Carpe DM
The scariest part of packing is making sure you unpacked all the drugs from the last time you traveled
I used to party all night. Now I check the weather forecast for the next day to see if it’s a good laundry day
“Dad, I’m I want you to move back home rent free”
hi I want you to move back home rent free. I’m dad
“Ok thanks dad”
well shit
I think they should use stronger sealant on cookie packaging so at least you get a decent workout before eating the entire box.
I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.
I saw nothing
funeral catering business:
your loss, our gain
“I took care of your clown problem.”
*trying to explain to the dog why we aren’t keeping the 3 foot traffic cone he found* listen babe I know you’re colorblind so this is a little hard to understand, but it matches literally nothing in the house. you’re going to obliterate the vibe.
The tooth fairy left an ominous note about coming back for the rest of my teeth.
Whomsoever named Big Bird really nailed it.
People should be teaching kids to spell by changing the wifi password every week to something increasingly complicated
[before sex]
HER: did you bring protection?
ME: heck ya I did *slowly reaches into back pocket and pulls out nunchucks*
I can’t remember exactly when I started baring my bottom in public, but it was many moons ago.
Imagine the towering achievements in aquatecture if sawfish & hammerhead sharks ever get their shit together
Pet peeve. Toilets that flush 4 me the moment I stand. I’d like to see the work I’ve done before it’s violently ripped from my view. #life
“Better safe than sorry,” I tell myself as I send the 27th text telling him my feelings.
People are like snowflakes. Individually small and ineffective, but if we work together we can make my step dad crash his car into a tree.
“Oh boy, what a day of having sex with real women,” I yell too loud while passing my microwave.
Any song can be a lullaby if you sing it gently enough.