9: My room is clean.
Me: You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.
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If you’re only18, please don’t tweet philosophy and proverb verbiage based on your first love and the difficulty of your inexperienced life.
My mom still hasn’t used the roomba I bought her two years ago for Christmas because, quote, “I don’t want it to judge our house.”
I’d write you a poem right now if I thought it would get rid of you.
Perfume is designed to be an invisible accessory.
It’s not designed to instantly kill the canary when you entered the room.
What idiot called them astronomers and not skyentists
*uses your voodoo doll as a tampon*
6 – Dad, why can’t you give princess Elsa a balloon to hold 🎈
Me – Why?
6 – Because she will “Let It Go” 😂
Me – 😢
Just went to Walgreens & they’re a bunch of liars. Their walls were more of a beige color. I’m suing.
I’m new to confession. Is it normal for the priest to cry and ask for a priest?
The difference between looking at a kaleidoscopic as a kid vs as an adult.
The migraine that follows.
I had my year-end evaluation and it went like “You have great substantive legal skills, but you don’t come into the office enough and you don’t attend social events and you don’t regularly answer emails on weekends.” Yes, precisely.
My God: dead.
My world: disenchanted.
My invitation on LinkedIn: declined.
Do people who bring bikes on the subway know about riding bikes?
I’ll sleep when I’m dead but also every night so I don’t die.
I want the new mayor to do something about the size of the squirrels in this city, they’re too big and they’re only getting bigger.
when dads have a rap battle
FRIEND: it’s all about picking your battles
[later]
WIFE: i can’t believe you ju-
ME: *holds up hand* i choose gettysburg
I love going to Costco and pretending like I’ve never tried the food they’re sampling, like what’s an “Oreo”
sneezy geese carry a honkerchief
“how come you never post me?” i only post jokes on here babe and you not a joke to me
Me: Can u send me those documents?
Coworker: Yes, but u can actually get them by–
Me: Nope, don’t try teaching me to fish. Not interested.
It’s Friday after 2, setting automatic replies in outlook to just say “Chimichanga” with no further explanation.
Weather man said all you need today is sunglasses and sunscreen but I think I’ll put some clothes on too.
have we checked all food to see if exploding them makes them into something better or did we just stop with corn
Bear boss: I need to see you two in my office right away.
*I see my coworker is nervous*
Me: Relax, how bad can it be.
Salmon: Shut. Up.
[at restaurant]
me, in my head: i want the pasta. i want the pasta. i want the pasta.
waiter: what can i get you?
me: *scrambling to open menu* uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh i’ll have the uhhhhhhhhhh
Me: *cutting fingernails*
Man next to me on bus: please stop cutting my nails
How old were you when you learned Red Velvet is a type of chocolate cake…?
I was today years old.
[tinder date]
me: oh wow this is awkward
sunset: *just kinda sets there*
me: but i thought you were, you know
sunset: *still setting*
me: a shy woman who used a sunset pic as your profile photo and not uhhh
sunset: *fully sets behind the restaurant table edge*
Americans will literally use anything BUT the metric system.