@Fred_Delicious: 9 out of 10 dentists agree that Gary is the most handsome dentist. Gary voted for Brett because he couldn't vote for himself
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@Scorpio1080: Don't let people push you around. Unless it's in a wagon, because that shit is fun!
@alive_and_dying: One day, when you least expect it, every single one of your problems will finally be gone. Oddly enough, so will you.
@matt___nelson: DOG 911: what's your emergency? DOG: *whispering* they put me in a stroller DOG 911: *covers phone* WE'VE GOT A CODE SLIGHTLY DARKER GREY
@Humor_Fetish: Friend: "Did you bring condoms?" Me: "No need. If I'm drunk enough to talk to a girl, I'm way too drunk to get it up."