9 out of 10 dentists agree that Gary is the most handsome dentist. Gary voted for Brett because he couldn’t vote for himself
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Sorry you asked a yes or no question and I talked for 12 days
Her: draw me like one of your French girls
Me, seductively: *puts her hand onto paper* this will be the perfect hand turkey
I’ll leave a to-do list on the table in case any of you stalkers get bored.
Having teenage boys over for the weekend is a great way to clean out the kitchen. It’s like hiring goats to mow the lawn.
And then God said, “Let there be Black Friday.” and he saw that it was a terrible idea but it was too late cuz people were already in line.
are elective head amputations covered by insurance oh shoot i thought this was google
“Remember Robert from work?”
Yeah..he was a douche.
“He died.”
WHAT?!? OMG..He was such a nice guy!
*Weather changes*
BODY: This is weird. Must have an asthma attack.
*Anything else changes*
MIND: This is weird. Must have a panic attack.
When a cop talks to you about Miranda, he’s not inviting you for a three-way… I know this now.
Whoever gets the gift from me that has scissors under the wrapping paper, I’m going to need those back.
What?
me: *falling asleep*
youtube: check out these top 13 most gruesome spatula related murders
me: you have my attention
I just want the confidence of a youtuber who suddenly thinks they can sing
2020 is the worst Choose Your Own Adventure book ever
Waiter: and would you like mayonnaise on that?
Wife: Ew, gross.
Me: Why are you making your sex noises at him?
[first date]
her: do u like cats or dogs better
me: [looking at menu] what page are u on
Unplugged the WiFi for 10 seconds and a teenager I didn’t know existed appeared from one of the bedrooms to complain
If at first you don’t succeed you will get a lot of advice from people who didn’t succeed either.
the vaccine could be radioactive dumpster water & it would still be healthier than most of what I put into my body during quarantine
I don’t remember taking this vow of celibacy.
I don’t think you’re a bad person. I just think you’re immature and lack intelligence. Hope that helps!
My kids would not be sitting on this couch laughing if they knew what me and their dad did on it last night. They are gonna cry when they find out we ate all the ice cream.
Gary was no plumber but applying the knowledge acquired from previous experience he quickly fixes the leak by just leaving a bowl under it.
Nickelback jokes are the Nickelback of jokes.
If you own a karate dojo and you don’t make your employees answer the phone “Hiiiiiiiiya”
You’re doing it wrong
Walking up the lighthouse stairs can be a very towerful experience.
It finally happened.
After living here 11 years, my neighbors finally caught me outside and introduced themselves.
Makes a girlfriend in IIT. Breaks up with her. Adds Ex IITian in bio.
I was mildly embarrassed, that one time at the liquor store, when I sampled the aged scotch because the look on the guy’s face clearly indicated I should not have shot it back like I was at a frat party.