9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.
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“Be there in 5,” I text, though I am 30 minutes away, completely nude, and engaged in a fist fight with a neighbor.
“You can’t get married,” the priest furiously shut the door while I stood outside embracing my fiancé, a beautiful corndog with a ring on it
Just broke a clothes hanger and now have seven years of bad outfits.
Mom can you come get me?
I wished someone happy birthdsy in the group chat and now everyone is saying birthdsy
[Calls an ex]
Ex: Hello
Me: Remember how you lied about everything
Ex: Why are you doing this
Me: It’s Throwback Thursday
My nephew found a cassette tape in my house. It was like watching early man discover fire.
There are few situations in life which have to be resolved with violence for example-
Mosquito on your ex’s cheek.
Caveman: “So what do you call it?”
Caveman2: “I call it burny light.”
Caveman: “that’s terrible. You’re fired from the naming committee.”
Caveman2 “wait… say that again…”
[boiling pot]
dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off
Has anyone tried ejecting 2020, blowing on it, putting it back in and hitting play?
ME: I’d like to order…the updog.
WAITER: How would u like that prepared?
ME: um medium well?
W: very good
Me: oh god what have I just done
*After a dental appointment*
4: Daddy the scientist cleaned my teeth and I don’t have to brush my teeth anymore!
CHILD: *breathes*
PERSON: You need to keep your child under control, they should be still, quiet, unhappy and oppressed like an adult at all times!PUPPY: *bites persons face off and pees on them*
PERSON: Don’t you dare apologize, he’s a puppy! He’s still learning!
Bursting from my chair, I pound a fist on the boardroom table. Everyone’s gasps turn to cheers as I lift my hand to reveal the dead mosquito
My 5yo made me a zombie card with – what I am told are – a line of zombie GRAVES at the bottom.
GRAVES.
Me: did you leave out the cookies for Santa?
My Kid: yes.
Me: and the milk?
My Kid: yup!
Me: and the waiver for Santa to sign holding us harmless in the event of food poisoning?
My Kid: (sigh) yes.
My wife always accuses me of having a favourite child. It’s not true, I love Matthew and Not-Matthew equally.
My daughter is playing “Away in a Manger” on the recorder if anyone wanna come over.
Cutest thing I saw was the dad angrily slamming the sliding door of his minivan but it slowed down by itself and latched silently and then it was just kind of sad.
My bra as colander, catching stray food since age 15.
If they tweet about you, establish dominance by retweeting them.
*dad walks in on me doing homework*
“HAH NERD MORE LIKE HOMOWORK”
Dad you’re still in third grade
“Probably because I’m not a nerd like you”
Bartender: I’m cutting you off. only water from now on
Jesus: [sarcastically] oh no
You are more likely to die in a plain crash than a fancy crash
[my wife wants an expensive audi]
ME: instead of buying 1 car for $60k we could buy 2 cars for $30k each
HER: *rolls eyes* oh sure, then why not 3 cars for $20k each?
ME: great point, could even do 4 cars for $15k each
[an hour later]
ME: how about 60,000 cars for $1 each
At this point, I think the people on “The Walking Dead” are trying to bore the zombies into not biting them.
Cop: Where were you on the night of July 19th 2009?
Me: Well I had diarrhea that day
Cop: That was 10 years ago. How do you remember that?
Me: *slamming fist on table* I have diarrhea every day
Cinderella: [changing clothes after the wedding, removes one shoe]
Prince Charming: omg babe where did you go
straight people: gay marriage is an embarrassment to marriage!
also straight people:
When my wife and I started dating she’d jokingly tell me “Go play in traffic”. Now when she says it, she opens my car door while driving on the freeway.