9: What did that message on the TV say
Me: It said, the film has been modified to fit our screen
9: How do they know what size TV we have?
You Might Also Like
i never would have bought this abandoned lighthouse if i knew that the city wouldn’t let me drop watermelons from the top
Him: So what do you do?
Me (hoping to save up for some bushes at the edge of my property): I run a hedge fund.
waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no thanks
I yell “5 second rule”when ever a girl sits on the ground.
If you ever ask me what my favorite of something is, it is guaranteed that I will forget everything I’ve ever loved, mumble some nonsense and run away.
*Job interview
Him: Any special achievements?
Me: Yeah, my tweet got published on BuzzFeed
H: Alright, you’re hired
M: Really?
H: No.
I’m being forced to attend a family dinner tonight at a priest’s house…
There’s no such thing as a surprise exorcism, right?
It’s weird that when demons possess people, they rarely seem to speak the same language. It speaks to an underlying problem of managerial disorganization in hell imo
Gatsby: *pouring wine* After all, they DO call me the Grape Gatsby
Daisy Buchanan: Wow they really call you the Great Gatsby?
Gatsby: … Yup
After years of waiting, I finally walked face first into a sliding glass door at a party. And you know what? It’s a crowd pleaser.
Pickled cat.
PATIENT: Doc, I haven’t been able to bone my wife lately and I really think-
DR DOG: Wait. Tell me more about the bone part
Guinea pigs aren’t real pets. You buy them when your kids are begging for a dog, but you want to make them sad instead.
Son: I’m tired.
Dad: Hi Tired, I’m Dad.S:
D:S: You annoy me.
D: You annoy me.S: Oh, you’re copying me now?
D: Oh, you’re copying me now?S: Who is the parent here?
D: Who is the parent here?S: MOM! Come get your husband.
Warm welcome to all my new followers from last night when I changed my avi to a skinny brunette from Pinterest
Yard reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Amazing milkshakes”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Too many boys”
No one will even notice your holiday weight gain if you start carrying pie everywhere you go.
It’s weird when one person from your college friend group gets rich but you’ve all stayed in touch & their Facebook posts are like “I have always loved Pearl Jam & it was magical to see them perform on my back patio for my birthday!!!”
u guys got any snacks onboard here
You know how your mom used to get mad and start counting? I think the Earth is at twwwoooo.
i be like “why does god give me his hardest battles” and the battle is cooking instead of ordering delivery
Her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride dolphins
Me: i’m taking a plane Linda
Girls storing chips in their bras…pfft amateurs. I’ve got spaghetti and half a taco from this afternoon in there
My son just complained about how far the guy in his video game has to walk.
We take our lazy seriously around here.
If you find me on my death bed, please wake me up and move me over to the life couch. Throw the death bed away, I don’t know why I keep it.
ME: I got us a custom headstone!
WIFE: I’m not being immortalized in one of your dumb jokes
ME: Just read it
WIFE: “Tomb it may concern…”
I read a sad statistic that something like 2% of all sushi goes un-Instagrammed.
I drank so much Mt. Dew my taste buds turned into tase bros.
Parents that need to reheat coffee are adorable.
Hardened parents will chug it cold, or chew straight up coffee grounds; they’re desperate.
[evening drive]
3yo: daddy
me: yes sweetie
3yo: the moon is following us
me: *floors it*