9: What did that message on the TV say
Me: It said, the film has been modified to fit our screen
9: How do they know what size TV we have?
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It’s that time between Christmas and New Years when the fridge is still packed but with random Christmas items so get ready for a casserole of figs, garlic stuffed olives, pineapple jam, and King’s Hawaiian rolls.
NEW YEAR’S LOGIC
1. The planet is passing through an arbitrary spot on its unceasing orbit around the sun.
2. Time to lay off chocolate.
[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.
“This one’s cute.” – me picking out a watermelon.
I have no idea what I’m doing.
Her: I love you so much
Me: Hey, *puts my hand on her shoulder* we all make mistakes sometimes.
I woke up and put my glasses on and then started looking for my glasses so I’m guessing it’s Monday.
Me: Jessica has 1/5 cup of milk for her cookie recipe how many times does she need to use the 1/10 measuring cup to make the cookies?
9: How about you figure that out on your own Jessica? Use your own brain.
[Kanye at pharmacy]
*knocking basket full of baby powder out of unsuspecting shopper’s hands*
No one man should have all that powder!
Husband: “Honey, I can’t find my sweatshirt and I’m cold. Have you seen it?”
Me: “Nope.”
Husband: “You’re wearing it right now…”
One of the perks of marriage is having someone around to let you know which normal things from your childhood were actually very very weird
Me: [Alone in our kitchen making a sandwich]
My teeanager: Why are you trying to embarrass me?
My favorite game to play after shaving my head is “How much lint did I collect by the next morning?”
There should be a hotline you can call where you can safely pronounce words you’ve only ever read out loud for the first time, and they say “oh sweetie” and kindly explain how it’s pronounced.
8: When’s dad’s birthday?
Me: June 28
8: 2000 what?
Me: You mean 19…1984
8: 19? WOW
Why isn’t there a squirrel week, Discovery Channel?
How many people out here using bar soap? I don’t think my kids would even be able to identify it
🐕🍷
[Bar]
HER: I want to have sex so badlyME: [trying to impress her] I am so bad at sex
Why is it always big, scary houses that are haunted?
It’s never “oh my god, don’t go into Kevin’s efficiency apartment, there’s a ghost in there!!!”
The dry cleaners lost my freak flag.
Me (a masseur): *applying oil*
Client: Aren’t you supposed to put that on me?
Fit Bit: ‘Keep going!’
Recliner: ‘Trust your feelings.’
what I love in every old-timey photo of women dressing up their cats is how peeved the cats look
My son asked for help with his math homework as we pulled into the school parking lot.
Then I laughed & laughed & told him to get out.
What do you call a friend who turns a wine glass into a candle holder?
An acquaintance
guys we are on vacation and my husband keeps striking up conversations with people who don’t speak his language then doesn’t back down, save me
there are differences between normal surfing and crowd surfing for example when you crowd surf people get upset if you pee
My GF is such a bad cook. The flies got together to fix the Screen Door.
[inventing napkin dispensers]
bob: it has 2 settings
exec: ok
bob: 1 at a time
exec: ok
bob: or 37 at a time
exec: first of all I love it
Due to inflation, alien abduction no longer comes with free probes. Humans are required to bring their own probes, or may purchase a probe on board the spacecraft for a moderate fee.