9: Why are you hitting that spider?
wife: I don’t like spiders
me: Ooooh *grabs newspaper*
mother-in-law [leaving] I don’t have to take this
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{At the last supper}
Group- “can you believe jesus just turned this water into wine!”
Me- {cutting up lines of table salt} “jesus, could you do me a favor?”
If you heard twenty minutes of moaning from my bedroom that was just me trying to stand up.
someone please tell my husband that no one can hear him yelling driving tips at them from inside our car.
They used to wear them halfway down their asses, and now they wear the one’s meant for girls…
Will boys ever get pants right!?
Therapist: and what do we do when we’re feeling sad?
Me: put on a flowy duster and a fringed scarf and sing along to Landslide on repeat while we sway back and forth and channel the goddess Stevie
Therapist [downloading Fleetwood Mac]: this session is on me
Naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.
Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.
My sports-obsessed ex-wife didn’t ask me for a divorce. She told me she was trading me for a player to be named later.
Pro tip: Don’t moan when getting a pat down at airport security
Naming my first daughter Piggleigh Wiggleigh.
I was wondering why so many houses on zillow had the same ugly carpeting. Reader, I clicked on the same house multiple times.
I want an HGTV show called “How Do You Like Your Open Concept Now?”
me: it’s weird how you follow me to the bathroom
dog: it’s weird how you follow *me* to the bathroom
Hotel garbage cans are way too small.
How the hell am I supposed to fit my 8 take out containers, 5 empty bottles of wine, and cake tin in there?!
The difference between a biography and an autobiography is self-explanatory.
When she rips his shirt open in the movies, it’s sexy and romantic. But when I try it, he’s all “Your Pap smear is normal, but please don’t do that with your toes every time”.
Know your Norse mythology. Loki. The trickster. Devised the death of heroic god Baldr and those chips that can’t be opened without scissors.
GENIE: you have three wishes
ME: wow ok gimme a second
GENIE: done
ME: wait
GENIE: sure if that’s your wish
ME: be quiet
GENIE:
ME: damn
Me: I’m having a heart attack.
BFF: you are not.
Me: I am *burp* oh nevermind
why try to flirt with someone who leaves you on read when you could be enjoying some soup instead
Has anyone tried cutting the pandemic with a knife to make sure it isn’t actually an illusion cake?
Wife: Why did the little mermaid wear seashells?
Me: Because she was too small for D-shells.
Wife:………………….
Me: The face is a tortilla. The eyes are banana slices and the mouth is made of peanut butter. His name is Bertram. He’s my best friend.
[12 minutes later]
Me: I have eaten my best friend.
I really wanna cuddle a great big bear but the biggest shame is that I’ll probably only get to do it the once.
”You can’t outsmart me! I know what you’re up to” I say to my cat. I lie
“Whoa! Hey there, buddy, leave me out of it. This has got nothing to do with me.”
– The Horse You Rode In On
Whoever invented crustless pot pie clearly didn’t know why people eat pot pie.
be myself? the person who got me into this mess????
Do dogs understand elevators or are they just like ok it’s time to get into the world changer
Sad thing is, they probably never even gave it a chance
It’s so cute how all the free sandwiches in the fridge at work have little names.