9 Year Old: Where do babies come from?
Me: (pause) Europe.
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People who peel the entire banana before eating it are the same ones who take off all their clothes to go to the bathroom.
If I was a magician I’d ask someone in the audience for a $20 bill and then just run away. You could prob make like $40 doing that.
My wife is mad at me because most of the keys on my key ring don’t open anything. Uh yeah its almost like those keys are just for jingling? But go off
We love taking our boys to adventure parks. It’s a great way to spend $800 to listen to them complain about the weather and about how much they hate to stand in line.
Let’s name our sandwich shop after smelly trains.
Jesus’s ability to reheat food is a bigger question than his status as a deity……..
How often do you think they wash the Muppets?
Alternate universe where all appearances of the word “lil” in rappers names have to be replaced with the word “teensy weensy”
Mom, you really should have taken the time to fix your hair this morning.
-my son, asking to be taken out of the will
Me: *holds up my phone showing my tweet has a total of 6 favorites*
Bouncer: you still can’t go in
I made it halfway to Mexico before I realized that those sirens were just coming from the song on my radio.
We took family pictures with an actual photographer today. No one argued, no one yelled, no one whined, no one cried. Years from now we can look at these photos and say, “this is how we never were.”
I’ll never forget what my dad said when I gave him a picture I drew and asked him to put on the refrigerator:
“You’re 22.”
“Welcome to lazy club. My name i-*doors get kicked in*
“THIS IS A ROBBERY! NOBODY MOVE!”
[voice from the back] “Nobody was going to.”
It always starts out “you’re so funny” and ends with “oh dear… oh my god… wtf”
Rookie mistake: taking your gummies after you brush your teefs.
canadian assassins are called killergrams
In alcohol’s defense, i’ve done some pretty dumb shit while completely sober too.
My daughter asked me if you have to get married when you’re older and when I told her no she said “good that looks like too much work”
Cain was the first to call out Abelism.
Doggy day care is like a regular day care except you have to enter from the rear.
I can never eat just one Christmas ornament
What’s the biggest gaffe you’ve ever made? Mine was congratulating a coworker on a non-existant pregnancy. Turns out he’d just gotten really fat.
ME: (slowly undressing)
DMV PHOTOGRAPHER: Stop that.
I asked my Ouija board if anyone has a secret crush on me. It must be broken, because I don’t even know anyone named “Lol.”
You know you’re getting old when your decision to sleep with someone is mostly based on the quality of their mattress and pillows.
Idea for a ghost hunting show: have calm people investigate shit
‘Head, shoulders, knees and toes’ used to be a lot more cheery when I wasn’t singing about what hurt on a morning.
I’m making chili this weekend so if anyone wants some, I suggest you make some too.
😂🤣😂🤣😂🤣