You ever take a nap so good that you thought you missed the school bus. But it’s Sunday…and you’re 32.
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Robert Pattinson can play Batman but Christian Bale could never play Edward Cullen
ME: I’m giving you to the count of three
SON: does he have a castle?
I got bills
They’re multiplying
DOCTOR: I have good news and bad news. The bad news is we can’t reattach your arms.
ME: Oh no. What’s the good news?
DOCTOR: You’ve reached your goal weight.
ME: *I try to fist pump but nothing happens*
A “Mouse potato” is someone who spends a lot of time at a computer.
During the course of some 36 films, did it ever occur to anyone that maybe Godzilla deserves a “good boy” once in a while?
Wanna spice up your marriage? Say this with a serious face.
I just fought a child-proof container to the death.
In my dreams last night, I met God. He gave me the manuscript for His novel to read, but I never read it, & I had to avoid Him in the town.
I had two students lose teeth yesterday and this morning they excitedly told me how much money the tooth fairy left. One got $10, the other $20. I may start pulling my own teeth out soon.
Me: ‘I’d like to cancel my gym membership.’
Clerk: ‘It doesn’t look like you even have one.’
Me: ‘I’m trying to be more proactive.’
Er, no; we’re clearly searching for firewood. Anything you wanna talk about, bro?
$3 #books
I just hit my toe and it was at that moment I realized I spoke 4 different languages
[first day of school]
LILY: My mommy named me Lily because she loves lilies.
LUNA: My mommy named me Luna because she loves the moon.
BRANDY and METHANY: We hate this game.
My girlfriend dumped me so i stole her wheelchair.
Guess who came crawling back.
When a movie has an exorcist, some demons are in for a bad time, but not at first.
3yo: Why do we have a room just for the toilet and the bath?
Me: So people can have privacy when they’re going to the bathroom or taking a shower.
3yo: Why would someone want that?
I think I’m beginning to understand the root of much of our disconnect.
What I imagine when an American describes their healthcare system to me:
Why be content with those 3 little words when you can have 6.
“Your parcel is out for delivery.”
Science has proven birds are a branch of dinosaurs. Now every time I eat chicken, I think, “I bet this tastes just like a stegosaurus.”
WORK FROM HOME TIPS:
Have a routine. Shower/dress like normal. Keep a dedicated workspace. Fill a briefcase with sausages & carry it at all times. Stick to usual work hours. NEVER let raccoons trick you into trusting them with the beefcase: they dont have your interests at heart
My cat hissing at an empty chair is why I sleep in the attic.
So your face, is it permanently like that or are you genuinely surprised every time you take a selfie?
“Usain Bolt, Trump regrets/ Gawker downed by Hogan’s sex/ Manafort, Putin’s pet/ Lochte lies then hops on jet/ We didn’t start the fire…”
Seductively takes 378 bobby pins out of my hair
Kenny Rogers: You’ve got to know when to hold em’
Neo-natal nurse: awww
Kenny Rogers: And know when to fold em?
Neo-natal nurse: absolutely not
Become a parent if you want to be judged by your kids on your ability to provide chocolate milk at any given moment and by other parents for being willing to
Guys; if she stops responding to your messages for days, 100% of the time it’s a technical problem. Keep trying.