“Swimming is dangerous, so I wear floaties on my arms for safety!”
[cut to me floating face-down in a pool with only my arms above water]
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last time I passed out on a Saturday night was when I sprayed too much bleach cleaner on the tub & forgot to open a window
will somebody tell my friend its spelled “gif” not “gf” and its not special that he has one, i have like 400 on my computer
My hot flashes are so bad, I can defrost the freezer in the time it takes to choose a popsicle.
Just know that when I say “the other day” I actually mean anytime between yesterday and 10 years ago.
If I was a vampire, pretty sure I’d find a way to cover blood in cheese.
If they could bottle how good it feels to take off your bra, that would sell for more than any expensive wine.
I’m thankful my wife harvested over $100,000 in potatoes on Farmville while I ate a grilled cheese for dinner & am sleeping on dirty laundry
CNN: Trump removes screaming baby from rally
Fox News: Trump rally interrupted by another unruly, entitled protestor who still lives at home
Other women: Nothing is sexier than a dad holding a baby.
Me: Nothing is sexier than my husband using his thundering dad-voice to frighten our children into behaving when I’ve abandoned all hope.
Why does Africa get better animals than us? It’s like Africa woke up at dawn and went straight to the animal-picking office, and then all the other continents stumbled in hung over at noon.
God: U have to build an ark to save the animals from a tsunami
Noah: But you’re god, can’t you just stop the tsunami
God: *loves boats* No
Ostrich: OMG SOMEONE KILLED MY DAD
PLS HELP HE’S BEEN DECAPI- …wait911: *sigh* did he have –
Ostrich: he had his head in the sand again
“Well well well if it isn’t the guy I’m stalking.”
“Get out of my hamper.”
What’s wrong with university websites, a short play:
*opens university homepage*
*types in search box: “calendar”, “academic calendar”, “JUST SHOW ME THE PAGE WITH THE ACADEMIC CALENDAR ON IT”*
*gives up*
*googles name of university + “academic calendar”*
*clicks hit #1*
~fin~
When his teacher told us that our toddler is kind and sweet to the other kids in school I was so relived. If he treated other people the way he treated me he’d be in jail.
It takes a big man to admit when he’s got a problem, but it takes an even bigger man to help me bring all these beers in from the car.
I wonder how many people die each year as a result of lifeguards running in slow motion.
In the year 2065, old men will say ‘bae’
I said “I’m not going to repeat myself”
[on deathbed]
“Tell my Wif… *cough*”
Yes? Tell her what?
“Tell my Wifi provider their broadband speeds were moderate at best”
[dies]
before puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the shower’
after puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the oven’
*getting kidnapped in the grocery store parking lot*
PLEASE JUST LET ME PUT MY CART BACK FIRST
When you put :/ at the end of your text I know you had a terrible stroke and call 911.
I witnessed some luteing today. Six men playing a sprightly medieval tune . Quite out of step with the times were they.
they should put shopping carts in the middle of grocery stores for us idiots who think we can carry our groceries but end up getting too much shit and constantly dropping it all over the store
Me: My body is a temple
Personal Trainer: But what about all the food and wine and parties?
Me: It’s a temple to Dionysus
You look like you would fail a DNA test
Instagram better not use my cloud pics. THEY’RE MY CLOUDS GET YOUR OWN CLOUDS ZUCKERBERG!
To all of you Single Guys here on Twitter…
Don’t forget to buy your Wife something on Valentine’s Day.
Scientists discovered the largest prime number yet (23 million digits) when it was given to them as the confirmation number after a customer service call with their internet provider.