90% of life is just having the courage to show up.
The other 30% is just checking the math.
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I’m such a procrastinator, I’m just now getting around to worrying about Zika Virus.
Just remembered when out of embarrassment I told a train passenger I was crying because my boyfriend dumped me when the real reason was I was listening to the Lion King soundtrack
Relationship status: you’d think something called a Roomba would be a better dancer
Adding “Noted muralist” to Wile E. Coyote’s Wikipedia page.
I have obtained an authentic audio recording of the two girls who work at the vegan ice cream place saying I “always pick the perfect toppings” and “look too handsome to be lactose intolerant”.
As your sugar daddy I will provide you with a 40% discount on all your future insulin purchases
*bumps into an acquaintance in a world where there’s no such thing as weather* Uhhhhhhhhhhh
[liquor store]
Him: Did you see a cat in here? I know I just heard purring.
Me: *looking at huge boxed wine selection*
Him: Oh, it’s you.
Planning on buying my daughter a Volvo so she’s safe but with a mismatched door so she gets the struggle.
king: the gods are angry with us
advisor: let’s throw a virgin into a volcano
king: how would that hel—
advisor: [throwing steΦen in] help what
It’s not the end of the world. But at least it’s a start.
*writing a new season for Game of Thrones* okay now let’s do a silly one
Apparently “The WiFi signal is the strongest there” isn’t the right answer when the boss asks “Why are you spending so much time in toilet?”
I have gained 8lbs and even though I’ve eaten a steady diet of junk food and sugar and only worked out three times in the last two months this seems really really unfair, you guys
when your food arrives but you have to wait for everyone else at the table
Psychiatrist: “Maybe you should be seeing a therapist.”
Me: “You sure like spending my money, don’t you?”
*holds seashell to ear*
[ocean sounds]
[ocean sounds]
[“Remember to click ‘subscribe’ & to rate & leave a com-]
*throws shell into the sea*
If a tree falls in the woods can I stand under it so I don’t have to go to work tomorrow?
Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn’t real, and it’s been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.
Me: you kill people for their blood? How do you sleep at night?
Vampire: I don’t.
Me: How do you look at yourself in the mirro-
Vampire: also no.
*sprains wrist doing sports
“MY NACHO HAND!”
I can tell my 5yo will make a great politician someday by the way he uses other kids as human shields in dodgeball.
when i get married im gonna send invitations to my enemies that have minus ones on them so they’ll know about the wedding but won’t be allowed to go
(during sex)
Her: Make me scream
Me: *let’s loose tarantula on her chest*
I love when the parent in a movie says goodnight and the kid actually goes to bed for the rest of the night. I laugh, I cry, I roll my eyes
Ain’t no way
[at dinner]
Me: *rubbing sugar on my gums*
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: I dunno…saw some cool guy doing it in the bathroom
Son: Can I have pizza for breakfast?
Wife: No.
Son: Why not?
Wife: You want to jump in here?
Me: Let’s see where he’s going with this.
“I will look for you. I will find you. And I will kill you.” -Liam Neeson opening a Where’s Waldo book