90% of marriage is turning on a loud appliance when your spouse calls out to you from another room.
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Texting you back right away doesn’t make me a psycho.
What makes me a pyscho is watching you through your window while petting your cat.
Found my 7yo vacuuming his room before school, so I guess the aliens switched him in the night
1st Born: If you hold him support his head.
2nd Born: Dangle him by his feet, he loves it.
3rd Born: We don’t have a ball, use your baby brother.
I saved a ton of money on tattoos by just pretending my varicose veins are ancient Chinese proverbs
There is no faster mammal on the planet than the parent of a toddler carrying a Sharpie.
Who called it a vasectomy and not a cull de sack?
annoying co-worker pissing you off? just keep calling him margaret.
margaret really hates that.
I saw a guy that had a knife on his belt tonight and I thought, “now there’s a guy that’s really prepared to slice some cake”
Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.
lawyer: your honor, I request a side bar
judge: granted. *cracks open a beer*
[being stared at by a bunch of guys as I bathe in an airport washroom] can someone get my back please?
[WOLF CUB] Dad, why do we howl at the moon?
[WOLF DAD] Well son, the moon is made of cheese and that’s rad as hell
It’s cute how airlines think I know my flight number
remeber: you hav the same number of hours in the day as this tree. and how much oxygen hav u produced? oh none? oh u CONSUMED OXYGEN!?!???
COP: I need to search your car.
ME: Sure, google whatever you want officer.
[The Last Airbender, nervous on a date]
*breaks wind*
Ope, excuse me. I’m a little out of my element here.
I’m sending a whole bunch of emails to random Nigerians letting them know they’ve won the Canadian lottery.
-How much for the inflatable cat?
-Sir that’s bagpipes.
Every week, my parents invite me over for a Sunday roast. Then, after that, we all enjoy a meal together.
*runs in out of breath*
Friend: what’s going on?
Me: [heavy breathing] bear with me
Friend: Ok *waits*
*bear runs in, also out of breath*
[interview]
Okay, don’t let him know ur a vampire.“What kind of person do u see when u look in the mirror?”
OH COME ON
A girl who’s literally called ‘Beauty’ walks around town singing about how stupid everyone else is. It’s a mystery why Belle had no friends.
Seems a bit forward
Two tips for faster jogging: hot guy in front of you and creepy dude behind
If someone stands you up and doesn’t call, stay positive. They could be dead.
Noted.
as i search desperately for my floor, panic rises in lieu of the elevator
Life is what happens to you when your wifi stops.
[Super Bowl Halftime performance]
Rhianna: 🎶 Know you wanna see me nakey, nakey, naked 🎶
7YO: Why would he want to see her naked body?
9YO: Maybe he’s a doctor
You can tell a lot about a person by
what they swallow first when a cop
pulls um over.