90% of marriage is turning on a loud appliance when your spouse calls out to you from another room.
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Sorry, I didn’t mean to lol your poetry
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Friend: if you could have dinner with any person living or dead who —
Me: — what kind of dessert would there be
We didn’t think of the ecosystem when we abolished Mondays. Dying of starvation, we watch as our crops are devoured by millions of Garfields
[at the beach, about to get in the ocean]
“but i don’t want my stuff stolen”
*covers it with towel*
“ok now it’s safe”
*walks outside to see an abandoned post-apocalyptic desert, humanity wiped out, no one to be seen*
“Ugh the ONE day my hair looks perfect”
[Hide and seek]
Police officer: how long has he been missing?
Wife: a few hours
Police officer: describe him
Wife: 5′ 10, brown hair *raises voice* and he hates dogs
Me from the bushes: no he doesn’t
“Ok, guys, before you start calling me a pervert, let me just say I found a great source of protein.” — The first guy who ever milked a cow.
[in the bedroom]
HER: you got some in my hair
ME: whoops my bad
HER: and in my eye
ME: sorry I can’t control it
HER: have you ever painted before
I don’t think I cadaver study a dead body
Everyone is fighting a battle (with goblins) that you know nothing about (because you failed a perception check)
Mariah Carey beginning with “I don’t want a lot for Christmas” and then revealing she wants “you” is such a good burn
As an aging millennial you may recognize me from popular hits such as, ‘I need to pencil in my eyebrows’ and ‘Omg this grocery store is playing my jams’
Her: How pathetic can you be?
Me: Gosh, I don’t know. I haven’t really pushed myself yet.
Them: “There’s certain things that should be left unsaid”
My brain: “VOLDEMORT”.
Ape together strong
There were over 14,000 wars before McDonalds launched the Dollar Menu. Since launching it, there’s only been 32. Those are just the facts.
Sorry I’m late, I was waiving my hands at a paper towel dispenser that turned out to not be automatic.
ME: I was born a tree…
ALSO ME: …but I’ll dialog.
Historian : Rome wasn’t built in a day.
Me : [Trying to impress the girls] He’s right, you know, it was built in Italy.
By a show of hands, how many of you are raising your hands?
Ever get up, put the dogs out, unclog the overflowing toilet the wife left for you, get dressed for work, let the dogs in and then wake up in the easy chair and find you’re 20 minutes late?
Just me?
When people show up unexpectedly for dinner:
Tonight we have slow boiled hot dog sat upon Dempsters bun with a tomato puree beside carrot sticks and crispy potato patty garnished with strawberry slices
The valet at the park washroom isn’t wearing pants, should I tip more or less
YOU are cold. They have fur.
Do not let inside.
What I say:
Get dressed
Brush teeth
Get in the carWhat my kids hear:
Have a snack
Shriek like monkeys
Open 3 umbrellas indoors
Go poop
horse: hey, steve. how’s it going?
deer: hi, deborah. same crap, different day
*15 seconds into makeup application*
I’m bored. This is good enough.
[Buzzfeed for Cats]
6 THINGS THAT WILL MAKE U BOLT FROM THE ROOM
-Vacuum cleaner
-Walls
-The floor
-Air
-Yourself
-Nothing. Nothing at all