So my doctor said my alcohol use was depleting magnesium from my body and I should change my lifestyle, so I bought a magnesium supplement.
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I hate it when people don’t know the difference between “You’re” and “Your”
There stupid…
Not recommended for beginners.
Robin Thicke is what would happen if a roofie became a human and decided to make music.
a haunted house called blood bath & beyond
My boyfriend and I got couples tattoos today!!!!
PLEASE do not tell my husband
Is it just me, or have KFCs started getting too picky with their ‘no shoes, no shirt, no service’ policy…?
Public restrooms are weird. The guy in the stall next to me has four feet and is wearing heels on one pair.
Have kids so they make you buy stuff to make for their YouTube channel that doesn’t exist.
“And what do you do?”
“I play in a band”
“What’s the band called? Have I heard of it?”
“It’s called blink-182.”
“OH!! LIKE IN THAT CHAINSMOKERS SONG!”
me: thanks for explaining what a plethora is
her: ur welcome
me: it really means a lot
The government is worried aliens will invade us but I’m worried the aliens will be sexy. I’m in my 30s. I’m ready to settle down. I’m too old to have a crush on someone living 6 or 7 galaxies away. Long distance is hard enough on the same planet. It’s just not realistic.
Lord I was born a ramblin’ man.
You can tell by my endless and pointless tweets.
The best thing about being an accountant is that everyone assumes you’re not a psychopath.
Sometimes I put a vase of flowers outside to let other flowers know that if they try to be prettier than me, I’ll cut their legs off too.
Beep beep
Beep beep beep
Beep beep
Beep
Beep beep beep beep
Road Runner and R2D2 having a conversation
me: wow, i wish i had a life as simple as a dog. they never do anything except sit there and nap all day and they’re so content.
also me: *is on the third day in a row of watching netflix on the couch for 9 hours straight*
INMATE: “What are you in for?”
ME: “A real treat, I hope.”
*sees oven left on
“What moron left the oven on!?”
*tries repeatedly to turn it off
“WTF!? Stupid oven!”
*realizes 425 is the time
To make sure I don’t cheat, my wife got me into cryptocurrency and that’s all I want to talk about with women now.
When you stop being a vegan –
is it called losing your veganity ?
Google maps: You’ve arrived.
Me: *fluffs hair* I know! Right?
I’m going start wearing a cape instead of headphones to deter people from talking to me.
KIM KARDASHIAN: Elane you GOTA see the BABY
ELANE: I follow you on instagram. Im gona see it
who named him groot and not spruce lee
*a horse walks into a china shop
“Wait – if I’m *here*, that means-“
[cut to bull destroying bar and goring customers]
Women do things I can’t even imagine doing: give birth, close cabinet doors, etc.
“I wouldn’t touch you with a thirty nine and a half foot pole”
-Families making Christmas plans in 2020
It’s like you don’t appreciate this bag of toenails and I can’t deal with this right now.
ME: Why are my eyes itchy?
WebMD: Eye bees
My mom said you have to love me and ask me out for Valentine’s Day