90% of parenting, is saying different variations of “We don’t eat waffles with our feet”.
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I always answer “I know” when folks say “Nice to see you”.
I think it’s only polite to acknowledge their good fortune.
You’re not a real family unless you all have different names for the same dog.
Julian Assange became a role model for hackers worldwide by crashing at a friend’s place indefinitely & never paying his share of any bills.
I think this man might be the one, I say right before he dumps me and I never hear from him again
My greatest hope is for my eulogy to start with “Her reign of terror is finally over.”
Not saying the carpet needs cleaning but I just dropped a donut and now it’s an everything bagel.
[15 years ago]
Mom: Use protection. I’m too young to be a nana
[Now]
M: I’ll pay for the Russian mail order bride. I WANT GRANDCHILDREN!!
Can you die from sitting on the floor to play with your kid, because I just tried to get up and it feels like you can die from it.
“p” in my name stands for patience and that’s why it’s not there
[Boss stands at my desk] Can I see you in my office?
[I stare curiously] You can see me here, right?
3: when I’m 5 I’ll do all the cleaning and cooking on the weekend so you and daddy can stay in bed
Me: *hands her pen to sign legally binding contract*
Not to brag, but I always go to the hottest cashier at the store and she always checks me out.
Since instagram is down I’m not sure if there was a sunrise today or if anyone ate any food? I feel lost.
I’m filled with joy when I see the “baby on board” sign attached to the car in front of mine, but sadness washes over me when I realise the car is a hearse. Only when I notice that it’s being driven by a baby do I begin to have mixed feelings
Imagine a giraffe. Now imagine the giraffe trying to get on a pool float. Now put my face on the giraffe. That’s about right.
Random person outside of Target: is it ok if I pray for you?
Me: sure! While you’re at it can you pray they never find the knife and blood soaked clothes I buried? Kthanks!
*First Date*
Her: I was worried you might be a convicted serial killer. LOL
Me; HaHa, LOL. No, I was never convicted.
Took a good look at my finances.
I won’t make that mistake again.
Friend: I’m getting married
Me: OMG, I’m so sorry. How long do you have?
Judge: how do u find the defendant
Me: he’s that dude in the orange jumpsuit your honor
“No one told me we were picking weapons today. What’s left?”
– Donatello
do I have to register a drone if I only plan to use it to see where I left a cup of water without getting out of bed?
Me: I bet I totally got like 10,000 steps in today.
My mother: you lost your car in the parking garage didn’t you?
Me: WHY CAN’T YOU EVER JUST BE HAPPY FOR ME?!
They say that wherever you travel becomes a part of you. So I’m pretty sure I’m 98% living room.
my cat smells like cigarettes again & i’m sick of his excuses
Me: Don’t eat that jalapeno.
1-year-old: *eats it*
*screams in pain*
Me: At least you learned your lesson.
1: *eats another one*
Being married for years I thought I knew intimacy…that was until today when my eye dr. decided to sing “dust in the wind” right into my eyeballs
*Walks into puppy store wearing a large trenchcoat*
*Hurries out of puppy store in a much tighter-fitting trenchcoat*
Her: Where ya been?
Me: At the cemetery.
Her: Someone dead?
Me: Yeah. All of them.
As a fun surprise I am teaching the neighbor’s cat to operate a motorcycle