@Try2StopME: 90% of the men who cheat and get caught give bad name to the rest 10% who only cheat.
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@4Crocs: If there is not a open bar and a goddamn delicious cake at your wedding, I will take my gift card to Walmart back.
@hippieswordfish: ME: i thought i saw a new color today WIFE: wait- is this..are you.. M: but it- W: oh no M: was just- W: dont M: a pigment of my imagination
@daniel_shaw: Personal trainer said we're going to try some dips today. I brought hot salsa and tangy cheese. He hates me.
@SatansTongue: *el chapo dies* God: okay I'm gonna have to send you to hell Chapo: ok *3 weeks later* Angel: El Chapo has escaped from hell