90% of the men who cheat and get caught give bad name to the rest 10% who only cheat.
You Might Also Like
Before kids: I’ll never let my kids eat that garbage.
After kids: “Hi, do you guys sell that cereal that’s just the marshmallows?”
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what’s your location
me: i’m in the cockpit
control tower: i mean where is the airplane
me: mainly behind me
I bought a bowflex, it’s very confusing, how do I muscles? do I eat it? do I eat the bowflex?
[Bar]
HOT WOMAN: You know…my bed is kinda cold when I’m in it on my ownME: Well maybe I could help you with that *leans in* just put a small heater by the side of your bed
[3 days later]
ME: [spits out coffee] DAMN IT
“Kids are disgusting”, I say as I blow my nose in a hanky that hasn’t been washed in 42 years.
Mugger: “Hand over your card and give me your PIN number!”
Me: “My personal identification number number?”
*he stabs me*
I have a friend who doesn’t drink coffee, so to stay alert at work he gets a healthy amount of sleep each night. What a loser
if dolly were in the holy bible she’d be in charge of parton the red seas.
me: *placing a fork in front of a turtle* you’re raphael now
[at a dive bar]
Friend: Look, I know you’re disappointed, but we should at least have one drink.
Me: *wearing flippers, a wetsuit and a snorkle* I’d like to leave, please.
“I can’t wait to feel you between my thighs tonight,” I say to my new memory foam pillow, which has been helping realign my spine while granting remarkable relief from lower back pain.
Anxiety = waiting to see if the middle seat will stay unoccupied as people are boarding your flight.
Twin: ya know how we always-
Me: -finish each other’s sentences!
Prison Warden: VISITING TIME IS OVER
Twin: so I had an idea…
My friend just told me that he can print a gun using a 3D printer, but I’m not impressed. I’ve had a Canon printer for years.
Nobody ever says “OMG I saw your twin!” and shows you a picture of somebody attractive. It’s always like “OMG I saw your twin!” and then it’s a picture of a half-eaten sandwich in the garbage
I’m ready for a new relationship.
My past is buried in the backyard, to fertilize the tomatoes.
I have this funny thing I do where I say ‘we should grab a beer sometime’ when what I mean is ‘I need to end this call now’.
Going to pronounce fecal like decal
Taking out my contact lenses after eating Buffalo wings will always make me dance.
crazy how I used to get arrested for getting drunk outdoors and now it’s pretty much encouraged
For a moment I thought it was Saturday, but then I realized it’s actually Sunday. The good news is now I have a story to tell at parties
Ever notice how like 97% of people just make up statistics on here?
Optimus Prime: *in an auto parts store* where are your dressing rooms
Why do all the famous lady ghosts have all these salacious stories fueling their haunt? I promise If I’m a famous lady ghost when I die, I’m not going to steal your man or your baby. I’m just going to pet your dog.
As a dad it’s your duty to ask “how were the roads?” within fifteen minutes of a visitors arrival
Half the time I hug anyone I’m just wiping my hands off on their back.
Desire to not get beat up > Desire to wear a cloak
If someone doesn’t respond to your text within 5 minutes, they obviously don’t love you anymore. Probably never did, react accordingly.
my boss: “keith you have 17 outstanding timesheets”
me: “they can’t be that good i haven’t done one in weeks”
When you don’t understand how floors work