90% of the men who cheat and get caught give bad name to the rest 10% who only cheat.
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[if I was in horror movies, a thread]
jock: let’s split up
me: no
god: u can eat things twice ur size
snake: ok but how
god: go like 😮
snake:
god: then u just kinda :O
me, waking up from my nap and getting ready to exercise.
HER: Do you have any funny dating stories?
ME: [thinking about the time I wrote 2007 when it was actually 2008] Just one
The inventor of perforated paper has died.
RIP
well, this sucks. apparently anti bird spikes work on you even if you’re not a bird but just like sitting high
I’m opening a secret ice cream club called The Inside Scoop
[Man chasing me through the woods wearing a hockey mask]
GIVE ME BACK MY PUCK
Why do clean clothes make tomato sauces so aggressive?
I love when my friends start selling weight loss shakes because that’s one less person I ever have to talk to again.
I always carry a red Sharpie on me in case I have to draw blood.
My 7yr old was legit mad at me because I wouldn’t let her practice giving me a Covid test with Q-tips. The meltdown was torture but I feel like I made the right choice.
I saw my Subway artist drinking absinthe in the alley behind the shop. This sandwich gonna be a masterpiece.
me: the Kool-Aid man was basically a reverse vampire. he’d go into people’s houses uninvited and have them drink his blood
my therapist: again, it’s not technically wrong but I’m concerned you have diagrams
[Courtroom]
Judge: One more word & I’ll hold you in contempt!
Me: Yes! *jumps on his lap & throws arms around him* This is nice.
I don’t understand people in the entertainment industry who have affairs with their manager. I feel like all my managers’ texts would just be them telling me it’s not a great market for sex at the moment
ORANGUTAN ADOPTS THREE TIGER BABIES
*caterpillar looks up at sky*
“My dream is to fly a plane one day.”
Other Caterpillar: You don’t pay any attention in science class, do you?
age 12: fell off of bike at high velocity onto gravel road. biked 5 miles home
age 42: used wrong pillow. back was nonfunctional for 2 days.
my last girlfriend broke up wth me after she went through my phone and i refused to tell her why i searched for goth grandpas
ME: Heyy baby, tonight I wanna take you to Clown Town.
HER: Don’t you mean Pound Town?
ME: *seductively puts on a rainbow wig and nods “no”*
Tom and Jerry fooled me into thinking dogs bullied cats when it’s the opposite in reality
[2 toads chillin’]
Yo, we should start a rumor that if u lick us you’ll get high.
“Whaaaat, that’s genius.”
We gon’ get mad licked, son.
[being robbed]
Me: careful.. I’m ARMED
*whips out bible
Robber: lol
*pulls gun out of bible
R: oh
*pulls smaller bible out of gun
Air used to be free at the gas station, now it’s $1.50. Know why?
Inflation
Next to my high school yearbook photo it said “Most Likely To Fold Under Pressure”. In your face, haters! I SUCK at timed origami contests.
You aren’t supposed to strip during Zumba. Apparently.
My sex moves can best be described as trapped with an angry cat on a punctured water bed
Swarming gnats, but instead of annoying you, they provide compliments. “You look pretty.” “Dinner was delicious.” “Way to handle that difficult coworker, Chris. We hate her.”