Coworker: How’s your worksite?
Me: I can see my work fine thank you.
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Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute
This weekend I lost an hour to daylight saving time and another hour stuck behind a person at the ATM who was apparently transferring funds to a Swiss bank account, refinancing their mortgage, and making 12 withdraws from 12 different accounts.
Yoda: *dies and fades away*
Luke: Thank God. I was so sick of his backward talking.
Ghost Yoda: Heard that, I did.
Sleep is basically free drugs, so people who think you need less sleep are narcs
Just found out that umbrellas open up. I always wondered why my rain stick never kept me dry. We never stop learning do we.
My youngest just learned that he and his older brother have the same last name. He said, “You mean you never told me this?!” 😆
My cousin: “i just closed a big deal today that is going to make me a ton of money!”
Me: “some guy name Queef Nuggets RTed me”
Me: I have 7 things to tell you about your house. Number 4 may shock you.
Customer: You are the worst electrician ever.
The older I get, the more my feet hurt. I guess it’s true… time wounds all heels.
my dodgeball record is now up to 65-0 against my 5 and 6 year old.
3yo wipes off the air kisses that I blow to her from across the room, which is some next level shade.
My bf took a deep breath and said “I want you to know…” then admitted he’s been having mushrooms every day, but not to worry because he’s limiting himself to five. I was confused because I didn’t even know he was using them til I realized he meant MARINATED mushrooms. Folks…
Damn girl are you a bag of sunflower seeds? Cause I wanna spend a bunch of money, work really hard and not be completely satisfied
Is there a term yet for the now-rampant stores with
-tiny succulents
-$300 sack dresses
-ceramics with boobs on them
-macrame
-palo santo sticks
-geometric gold earrings
-letterpress cards
-at least 3 items w/questionable arrow/feather/tipi imagery
I’m ready to make a bingo card
“Daddy, what’s for breakfast?”
“Its 5am. Anything you can reach”
Called my boss this morning and asked if I can come a little later in to work.
He replied with: “Dream on!”
That’s very nice of him, right?
#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning
I always answer “I know” when folks say “Nice to see you”.
I think it’s only polite to acknowledge their good fortune.
A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.
why do “youngster” and “elderly” get to be words, but “oldster” and “youngerly” don’t?
Im not dating any guy with hair longer than mine. I refuse to compete for pretty hair.
I always keep my eyes closed if I get up in the night to use the bathroom because how else am I meant to stop the sleepiness from escaping?
ME: Please don’t make me do this.
WIFE: We have no choice, we’re behind on the mortgage.
ME: Hey, Kevin, can we borrow $2000?
MY 11-YEAR OLD SON WHO MAKES $40k A MONTH PLAYING DOTA 2: Who’s Kevin?
ME: (sigh) Hey, DongKnocker420Yeeeeet, can we borrow $2000?
Who called it baking and not making love
Googling definitions of well known words daily so if I need to I can plead insanity
Me: objection your honour!
Judge : sustained
Me: *takes deep breath* objectionnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn
PRIEST: In the beginning there was the word
ME: capsicum
P: no
M: tumescent gerund caliphate
P: stop trying to guess the word
M: maelstrom
My son got his soccer ball stuck in our tree so I remedied the situation by getting 3 of my husband’s shoes stuck in the tree instead…
Teamwork makes the dreamwork
“So how was your date?”
I talked about my obsession with reducing fractions too much
“That wasn’t a good idea”
Yeah well, hindsight is 1
Today’s spelling lesson:
On the lam: escaping from policeOn the lamb: escaping from life’s woes with a delightful sheep ride