@Mr_Kapowski: 90% of women that wear yoga pants probably don't do yoga. 100% of straight men don't care.
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@VaguelyFunnyDan: My wife is enjoying the attention I've been giving her lately & though painting a phone on her face is inconvenient, it's saved our marriage
@gorrdano: When the nun comes around to collect the offerings, I shell out a handful of change and a cucumber then give her a wink and a thumbs up.
@WilliamAder: Co-worker playfully snapped my suspenders and now everyone in the office knows my safe word.
@jnrbtsn: The worst part about being single is always doing what I want. Anytime. Anywhere. With whomever. That sucks.