Nothing makes me second-guess my language like a little voice chirping, “Mommy, I found your freaking measuring spoons.”
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If you aggressively tailgate me in traffic, I will get over and let you pass. And then I’m gonna become your new best friend until one of us exits.
I was out of tanning oil once, so I used PAM® Cooking Spray. The tan didn’t stick.
girlfriend: I’m seeing someone behind your back
me: *believes in ghosts* is it my grandpa
me: let me tell you about the fast and the furious movies
him: no spoilers
me: i assure you there are a ton
My five-year old grandson responded, “Not again!” when I asked if he’d like chicken nuggets, because a year ago we had chicken nuggets.
My trainer told me to get on all fours and I got excited until she said now do tricep extensions.
Just took my 3 dogs to the vet, so the family will be feasting on ramen noodles, beans, and no name chips for the next few months. At least the dogs are taken care of.
[texting]
Me: meet me at 8 sharpKid: what if I feel salient instead?
Me: just be on time
Kid: or acuminate, maybe cuspidated
Me: are you playing with the thesaurus on your phone again?
Kid: indubitably
This buffalo chicken salad would be great if it weren’t for all this salad
Why do they even bother having different brands of milk?
A woman’s asshole is like a 9 volt battery. You know you shouldn’t, but sooner or later you’re gonna put your tongue on it.
People who have to keep a phone charger in the bathroom; have you heard of shredded wheat and raisin bran?
Drake: you used to call me on my cell phone
Me: that’s what cell phones are for
It’s adorable when I bring workout clothes on a trip to Miami like I’m not just going to eat, drink, and sleep.
To the people who have lost one shoe on the side of the road…
Are you okay? How does that even happen?
Me: You’re SURE you know how to cut hair?
Wife: I told you I watched a YouTube video
If my psychiatrist said “There’s really nothing more I can do for you”, that means I’m cured right??
Today, a man looked me right in the face & said “You’re not hot!”
Actually it was a cop &he said “Here’s your ticket. Have a nice evening.”
I’m a 40 yr old man sitting at a Café with my eyes closed, squirting packets of mayo from under the table at the window as people walk by.
“Oh hello, I didn’t see you there!” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you
I’m slytherin because everyone knows women like a bad boy
I’m kidding, I’ve never even read lord of the rings
Remember when everyone was tweeting about how bad 2019 was and we couldn’t wait until it was over?
2019: “How you like me now?”
My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home.
I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening!
She laughed. I laughed.
Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.
[koolaid man typing into webmd]
My pee is red.
Fingers crossed that Cupid hits me in the carotid artery.
*gets home from game*
“whoa what happened to your eye”
I was on the Kiss Cam
“oh she wasn’t into it?”
with the t-shirt cannon guy’s daughter
Forgot my phone and had to write my tweets on paper and pass ’em around at the meeting.
Didn’t get any stars.
Got RT’d to HR.
I tried that whole “if you love something, set it free” thing but my kids are still here.
i think it’s time i give cats another chance. if any cats are reading this i just wanna say sorry for wanting to send u all to the military (even tho i still think it’s a good idea since u all have 9 lives) and i’m willing to start over if u are
As I exposed my glorious chest hairs & catapulted toward the Velcro wall, I realized that I had no exit strategy.