@Mr_Kapowski: 90% of women that wear yoga pants probably don't do yoga. 100% of straight men don't care.
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@iwearaonesie: "Hello from the outsiiiiide. I must have called a thousand tiiiiimes" - me, drunk, leaving my wife another voicemail because I'm locked out
@Reverend_Scott: [rubs magic lamp] GENIE: You get 3 wishes "Anything?" GENIE: No wishin for more wishes "I wish for more genies" GENIE: I don't like you
@panmidwest: [first date] HER: if you had to give up one of your senses which one would you choose? ME: definitely my ability to see dead people. HER: