If a woman expects you to open the door for her, it’s a massive red flag. Never date a girl who doesn’t know how to work a knob.
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ME: some day i will find out Owlman’s secret identity
FRIEND: who?
ME: *narrows eyes*
I thought I was losing weight but it’s just my hair getting thinner.
my fridge has a screen so sometimes I get bored and photoshop myself to make it look like im in there
My 2 year old just figured out how to block light from getting in her eyes using her hands and now she’s verbally taunting the sun. I appreciate her moxie, but a literal star war with a nuclear reactor 330,000 times the size of the Earth is the LAST thing we need right now.
Me: I love holding your hands
Him, pulling at restraints: does it have to be behind my back
thinking about a very short hotdog
Some guys look classy carrying a flask. I look like a degenerate alcoholic, I dunno, maybe it’s my trackpants. Who’s house is this?
Scientists discovered the largest prime number yet (23 million digits) when it was given to them as the confirmation number after a customer service call with their internet provider.
My well-meaning colleague was extolling the virtues of Vitamin D supplementation to me by saying “Most of us need more D than we’re getting and it’s almost impossible for us to get enough D naturally so we need to get our D from other sources” and I kept SUCH A STRAIGHT FACE
Sure I could get off the couch & put new batteries in this remote but instead I am going to hold it high above my head & at different angles
Based on the musicians who thanked him at the Grammys, I gotta say: I’m not crazy for God’s taste in music.
Me texting a friend: I miss you!
Friend: I miss you! What are you doing this weekend? Let’s hang out!
Me: . . .
(one week later)
Me: I miss you!
I’m not saying I’m jealous of the pigeons but I certainly wouldn’t mind someone throwing food at me from this park bench.
I just now realized the guy at the urinal that complemented my watch might not have actually just been looking at my watch.
“Marines!”
“SIR, YES SIR!”
“Get ready to deploy at 05:00 sharp–HUGHES WHERE IN THE SHIT ARE YOU GOING!?”
“That’s too early I quit.”
I love when British people call it a “rubbish bin,” like my kitchen trash got a monocle
TONIGHT ON HOUSE HUNTERS
*extremely Australian accent*
This here house is one of the most deadly in the world. Imma poke it with a stick
At marathons I like to put glitter in cups so when participants grab one and throw it in their face they get a party instead of hydration
[Truth or Dare]
Her: What’s your biggest secret?Salazar Slytherin: *sweating* No secrets here haha. Definitely not a chamber full of ’em
Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.
I’m having a garage sale & hope people I’ve borrowed things from don’t come.
If there isn’t an open bar at my funeral then count me out, I’m not going!
If you like to fall asleep in bed but wake up on the floor, owning satin sheets might be for you.
*Jumps on bandwagon*
Bandwagon: I have a girlfriend
Oh, horrific shit happened in a little town where no one locked their doors? You don’t say?
Who called it “unplugging the life support machine” and not “pulling the RIP cord”?
*Comments on Facebook picture*
“That headband your baby is wearing really accentuates her baldness.”
my allergies were acting up so i took allergy medicine. now i’m sleepy and my allergies are acting up.
[First Date]
Me: So this has been great.
*moves in for a kiss*
Me: Jesus, a little handsy there.
Octopus: I can’t… I can’t help it.
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to have pizza.