90 people have swine flu and everybody wants to wear a mask. A million people have AIDS and nobody wants to wear a condom.
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Guys…. Women aren’t hard….. And if they are… They aren’t Women.
I sit in the corner eating my tortillas completely confused by this salsa class.
OMG, shoot him with a crossbow one time and he never shuts up about it.
It wasn’t even fatal.
“I think we should start touching other people.”
-Blind couple breaking up.
Me: The only thing I’m guilty of is starting singalongs
Judge: And that you killed a man
Me: put a gun against his head
Jury: pulled my trigger now he’s dead
Judge: mama
Why is it that in horror movies, no matter how many times I shout at the screen, the characters never seem to listen? I’m trying to save you idiots!
Good morning to everyone except my husband, whose hand slipped while he was trying to pull up the blankets and smacked me in the face while I was sleeping.
My toddler just called the cheese he’s eating “medicine for my belly”.
Even kids understand the healing powers of cheese.
We parents need to stop threatening our kids with a lump of coal. It’s cruel and outdated.
Behave or Santa will break your iPad, kids.
[News anchor]
“Are things really that bad?”
The feeling of peace when amongst the trees quickly disappears when you notice a coyote nonchalantly walking towards you.
You stop eating apples if your doctor is cute.
My kid keeps asking why we don’t decorate outside for Halloween and I’m tempted to buy a bunch of posterboard and just write the scariest things I can think of on it….like “daycare is calling you at work right before a big presentation,” or “Check Engine light comes on”.
buyer: does this van have child locks
me: *sweating* no no i vacuumed it
That moment when you mom says she was a virgin, but then 3 random dudes show up on your birthday with gifts.
*distant Yogizilla noises getting louder*
how was your vacation
*Hands girl a card that says Be Mine*
Girl: Aw that’s so sweet
*Pulls out a pickaxe*
Me: Come on, do it I need some iron ASAP lady!
[first rap battle]
me: call me artisanal burger because i’m falling apart
opponent: please stop crying
My neighbours claim to be huge Disney fans but called the cops when I mowed the lawn Winnie the Pooh style
My ex texted “You’ve got a friend in me. XoXo”.
I thought she was being too nice until I realized that she was talking about my buddy Dave.
gf: that guy hit on me, show him who’s boss
me: *whispering to guy* she is
Me: you may find this hard to believe but I have been fooled several times.
Them: No we get that.
Mr. Smith: My family names goes back to my ancestor that was a blacksmith.
Mr. Carpenter: Mine goes back to an ancestor that was a woodworker.
Mr. Dickinson: Mine goes back to an ancestor we no longer speak of
Went to work without a drop of makeup on… walked by a mirror and said good morning thinking that was someone else.
I’m on the breadstick diet. You can only eat breadsticks but you can eat as many as you want. It’s not working.
me: *placing a fork in front of a turtle* you’re raphael now
Autocorrect doesn’t recognize my gangsta nature.
The owner of my AirBnB has a dog named Kevin. His human-sounding name terrified me at first.
Gym trainer: are you looking to lose weight or increase cardio and fitness?
Me: I wanna look hot enough so people think I’m a bot