90 people have swine flu and everybody wants to wear a mask. A million people have AIDS and nobody wants to wear a condom.
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There should be a job like: divorce doula. I’ll help you find a lawyer, convince you that you’re enough, take you out for drinks, let you vent & cry during that hard 18 months, eventually convince you that a $70 sex toy can replace anyone. Start to finish divorce support.
And then one day we decided we were tired of sleeping in and doing whatever we wanted whenever we wanted in a clean house, and we had kids.
cashier: would you like to donate to help fight kids—
me: lemme stop you right there. yes
No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
gimme fuel
gimme fire
gimme reba mcentire
Reaction from my kids after explaining how sex works:
“You’ve done this THREE TIMES?”
hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly
I haven’t been to the gym in months. I wonder if all the pudding cups in my locker have spoiled?
*Leaving my kids and husband at home for the day*
Me: I’ll see you guys later. [waves]
Dirty laundry & dishes: [waves back]
[beside lady with baby]
Her: Smells like someone went poop poop! Does the baby need a change?
Me: *blushing* Yes ma’am.
Her: I want you to dress up as your biggest fear this year.
Me: Ok, but how do I make a costume out of you finding my unlocked phone?
I’ll never understand why we aren’t buried in our final resting place wearing pajamas.
I threw old quinoa under my feeder and now the squirrels are walking around in Lululemon pants and requesting coconut water.
Tree: so how do I eat?
God: you just absorb sunlight and-
Tree: I EAT THE SUN?!
God: well not exactly-
Tree: *expression darkening* I ᴀᴍ ᴛʜᴇ ᴇᴀᴛᴇʀ ᴏғ ʟɪɢʜᴛ. I ᴀᴍ ᴅᴀʀᴋɴᴇss ɪɴᴄᴀʀɴᴀᴛᴇ
God:
Angel: boss I’m just gonna go ahead and scrap tree legs.
It turns out that when you’re asked which kid is your favorite, you’re expected to pick from your own. I know that now.
What’s it called when a super model wants to date an accountant?
Wishful thinking. Obviously
THE BREAKFAST CLUB (1985): Five white heterosexual suburban American 17-year-olds manage to find common ground.
I knew this girl, she’s really deep; she’d always find a reason to preach about how size does matter…
Reporter: are you nervous about the fight?
Me nervously: no
Reporter: he said he’s going to ‘rip your heart out’
Me crying: but I need it
My wife makes us recycle everything.
*empties condom into sink*
[sermon]
There will come a day when Christ will drive out evil from our land, and it will be the Judgment Day!
*T-1000 shifts nervously*
I probably should’ve said, “Congrats on your 4th child!” instead of “Halfway there, OctoMom”.
Super glue dry times:
Wood – 30 secs
Steel – 60 secs
Ceramic – 20 secs
Fingers – instant
Thanks autocorrect. I wanted her to know that I shaved my duck.
1000s flocked to NJ to see the Virgin Mary in a tree trunk. But, don’t judge them, friends. When was the last time you saw a virgin in NJ?
The question I ask myself most often is, “What would a jury think about this?”
INTERVIEWER: What happened at your last job?
ME: I was fired for being too literal.
I: How have you supported yourself since then?
M: Legs.
Caller: my dog ate chocolate! my girlfriend’s gonna kill me! I’m a dead man, a dead man!
911: calm down, sir. let’s focus on the dog
Caller: oh he’s fine.
911: but you said…
Caller: chocolate was my girlfriend’s cat
COP: don’t worry sir, we’ll find your kids as soon as we can.
ME: no hurry.
me: can i get a big mac
employee: sir, this is a Burger King
me: sorry can i get a big mac, your majesty