Her: You have very beautiful hair.
Me: Oh, you flirt!
*Hands me her card*
Her: If you’re ever thinking about selling it, call me…
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I would like to officially apologize to my toddler for cutting her left pancake before I cut her right pancake, I don’t know what I was thinking
I’ve discovered a magical land through the back of the wardrobe, it’s inhabitants are similar to my neighbours, albeit a lot more hostile.
“You’re in no position to be making demands.”
[does a handstand]
“Company helicopter & 2 months extra vacation.”
“Fair enough.
Just saw a car with “Just Married” on the back window. Do people still do that? Get married, I mean..
Our family rule is that if the kid’s costume costs more than $50, they have to wear it to school at least four times after Halloween.
Doctors texting each other.
Dating profiles should make you share a sound bite of you sneezing.
Car Salesman: If you buy this car, you’ll save $2000.
Me: I’ll save $20000 by not buying it.
so long suckers! i rev up my motorcylce and create a huge cloud of smoke. when the cloud dissipates im lying completely dead on the pavement
The trail I take walks on has about 25 yards next to a road so I run during that part because obviously.
Me: I’m not petty.
Also me: Gives the kid who is mean to my kid yellow gatorade after the soccer game.
[screaming into the void]
MARCO
where’s that tiktok video of that guy dancing in front of some cows and the cows are slowly backing away from him and then he hits one move really hard and they all run away
Me: *eating chips in bed*
Husband: I thought you said no eating in the bed.
Me: We live in a different world now.
Husband: So, I can-
Me: *interrupts* No.
[sliding $5 to the zookeeper]
Maybe one of those penguins ends up in my car?
Minnesota is my favorite state that sounds like it’s a small soft drink.
I have an admission that will shock some people. It’s not something I’m proud of and I hope I’ll be given a little grace, but I’ll understand if not.
Here goes….
My hips have lied. Like…a lot.
Women have 9 months to prepare for birth. Paper cuts JUST HAPPEN
WAITER: Ready to order?
GIANT WORM IN TRENCHCOAT: Bring me dirt from the grave!
W: We cannot
GWIT: I HUNGER FOR CORPSE EARTH
W: Again no
[end of a job interview]
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: If you could become half robot, would you do it?
Him:
Me:
Him: Which half?
My son got mad unfollowed me… I disconnected his phone.
-I win
[break room]
coworker: what’s for lunch?
me: [eating] food, generally
cw: no, I mean what are you having?
me: an unwanted conversation
buying dead houseplants to save time
It’s not too spicy I just don’t think I like the flavor.
-Rival Dads when something is definitely too spicy for them.
3 just told me he wants all the things pirates have for Christmas, including a real sword and a pirate ship.
Anyone have a good pirate ship guy?
I like being a landlord for people I can feed noodles to all the time because they’re lo mein tenants.
I guess the guy who named the space between stuff in the universe “space” was just tired.
My girlfriend told me she needed a hip replacement. So I found a vegan yoga instructor that let’s me do whatever I want.
Note to the 82 year old widow who won the Powerball jackpot last night:
Sup, girl?
[Hardware store]
ME: I’ll take one of those giant forks.
WORKER: That’s a rake.
ME: I’m gonna eat so much spaghetti with that thing.