911 – 911 what’s your emergency
Me – I am Australian and I watch too much American TV
911 – ….
Me – I don’t know our emergency number
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Sometimes even letting your kids watch age-appropriate shows is a big mistake. Showed my kids The Flintstones, and my youngest asked what it was like living with a dinosaur. My 5-year-old pointed at the Flintmobile and said, “is that why your feet look like that?”
Some say cheetahs are the fastest animal at 60 mph. Not true. Dogs have been clocked at 18,000 mph when the Soviets launched one into space.
Flight Attendant: Is anyone here a doctor?!
Me: *shoving my way to the front* no
{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside.
5: I can count to 90!
Me: Really? Show me!
5: Ok here we go…
1
2
3
4
5
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8
9
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18
90Me: Nailed it.
The only remnant I have of my youth is the inability to open a pill bottle.
My husband brought home a big box of “12 festive cheeses”. I don’t know if he’s trying to turn me on, but it’s working.
Told my husband I was thinking about getting a tattoo and asked him if he had any suggestions. He just stared at me and said, “I don’t even know you anymore.”
What a stupid idea for a tattoo.
A classic example of a cat being a cat.
Fact: Chihuahuas shake so much because their blood is two thirds Red Bull.
The kids report cards are coming out today so I’m excited to see how I did.
this country is so goddamn polarized
criminal: oh no it’s lobster man
lobster man: [quickly sidestepping around them] move one inch and you get the pinch
criminal: [takes out rubber bands]
lobster man: oh god no
Friend: What’s with all the extra guests?
Me: You told me to bring the Cranberries.
*Linger starts to play*
before you ask, yes, he can legally do this.
The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.
First time seeing these brilliant print ads for Scrabble today. Published in Ukraine in August 2014 by ad agency Twiga.
ME: [spotting Diane across the room] Diane!
ANNE: ARE YOU THREATENING ME?!
Im gonna tell my daughter to lay off the liquor, cause I love her! (…and I dont want her to mess up her kidneys before I need one)
them: hold your horses
me: *immediately drops one*
I told my wife Netflix is voice enabled and listening to her scream “I’M STILL HERE!” repeatedly at the TV is maybe the greatest thing ever.
Watches my wife cut the 2 yr. olds apple juice with water …
*Hauntingly second guesses every drink she’s ever mixed for me now
Me: I don’t have a jealous bone, in my body.
Fibula: Silently plots revenge.
Me: Jesus. Get the kids inside
Wife: What’s wron-
Me: *running* JUST GET THE DAMN KIDS INSIDE
[a bee flies off of the lens of my binoculars]
From now on when a friend says she’s on her way I’m asking her to drop a pin
There’s a bounce house at the bail bondsman’s office. There’s curiosity in my mind.
Confession: I’ve said “Can’t wait!” about things I actually could wait for.
“You’re not pretty enough. Now pay us $3.99 so we can tell you why.” – Magazines
I went from “easy peasy lemon squeezy” to “messy distressy lemon zesty” in ten years.
Never judge a book by its cover…
Take it to dinner and see how it treats the waitstaff, then judge it.