911 – 911 what’s your emergency
Me – I am Australian and I watch too much American TV
911 – ….
Me – I don’t know our emergency number
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“You wastrel” I scream after pausing to look up bad person in my thesaurus.
(Trying to scream over a construction worker’s jackhammer) YOU GUYS MAKIN A BUILDING?
Ended my night saying “Stay goofy!” to a Waffle House waitress, and she replied: “You KNOW I will!”
me: our first night as man and wife
bride: you know what that means 😉
me: yep, I can finally show you *pulls mouse from pocket* this
bride: what
me: I dressed him up to look like will ferrel
spouse: why
me: cause I’ve been saving mice elf for marriage
We really are the most blessed generation. We’ve had 7 iPhones and 7 Fast and Furious movies.
UPDATE: My wife’s resolution to yell at the kids less has just taken a very bad turn.
Have a headache? Eating a carrot can help if you take a Advil after it
therapy: $500
tattoo: $500 but cooler
My mom [on the phone]: Hi I can’t talk long
Narrator: But she can. She CAN talk long
Too bad we can’t get paid for our funny tweets. I could probably make about $10.
Good guy in movie shot 3 times: I must save my family
Me, kinda sore from trampoline sesh: sorry gramma can’t make it to your 85th bday
interviewer: ur biggest weakness?
me: i hate working
When I was in 2nd grade, a girl in my class had a large pack of crayons. I wanted it. She asked if I would trade her my soul for the crayons. I said yes. But my mom made me trade her back so I could keep my soul & said if I traded my soul away again, I was grounded.
Bees disappearing is worrisome because of the environment but also there’s the possibility of invisible bees.
Real Estate Agent: it’s a 3 bed, 2 bath…
Witch: …but?
REA: it’s made out of gingerbread so lots of kids linger around
W: I’ll take it
me: you’re only giving me this job because i’m your husband, this is nepotism
wife: shut up and take the trash out
I always say “goodbye” to the Wal-Mart greeter, just to close that loop.
Me: How long should I microwave this for?
Popcorn instructions: How should we know?
My husband found me lying on the sofa and said the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”
“I think therefore I am”
–Yoda pointing at a photo of himself when he was four
Just asked my coworkers if anyone had to use the potty before our next meeting, in case there was any doubt that I’m a mom.
the problem with buying a lovely loaf of bread is you then need to eat it in three days. toast for breakfast, sandwiches for lunch, toast for dinner, bread for a snack, bread in salad, bread as a hat, make a bread friend called bread and spend the night watching bread together
Me: *pretending to smoke a hotdog like a cigar
Passport photographer: No
Shamrocks are the most dishonest of all the rocks.
My fave part of eating corn dogs is when you get to the bottom and you have to shove the wooden stick in the back of your throat to get that last bit o’ battered glizzy
tinder, huh? back in my day if you wanted a girl to notice you, you had to dress like a gargoyle and cling to the roof of her parents’ home
I hate it when healthy me does the groceries, because now fat me needs a snack.
I…do not understand how electricity works.
reporter: tell us what happened
me: some BEEEPing motherBEEEPer crashed into my car
reporter: you dont have to say beep we put them in after
Me: *quits life and moves into a pillow fort*
Them: You need to live in the present.
Me: *covers fort in wrapping paper*