[911 call]
“My hand’s stuck in a blender!”
“Turn it on then.”
“What?”
” I can’t hear it, turn it on so I know you’re not lying.”
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Me:[slathers self in butter]
Them: I said BETTER! Better yourself!
When I think about you, I touch myself.
In the face.
With my fist.
Date: So what do you do?
Me: I’m a script editor.
Me: Are you any good?
Me: No.
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: heavy-handed product placement
professor kfc: that’s finger lickin’ good
Sometimes after a long hard day at work, it takes me 4 bars to get home
I’m at my parenting best when I randomly yell out “be careful!” every few minutes without looking up from my phone.
The Rock is always beating people up in movies & yet no one has thought to throw a ream of paper at him
I like my coffee black just like my sabbath
i was told today that I have “resting smug face” but trust me I’m making the effort
Candles never taste the way they smell
[hours after first date]
HER: *on phone* yeah i went on the date but he was creepy.
*i’m just sitting outside her bedroom window in shock*
I place my finger on the police officer’s lips. “Shhh. Look, we were both speeding, ok? I forgive you.”
me sober: i’m very shy and don’t like talking to people
me drunk: umm ok? these are my friends sue and dave, an older couple from england who are visiting nyc and don’t like hot dogs but are otherwise delightful
Oh, you’re a politician? Name all the politics
How the stock market works:
Seller: selling $20 for $25!
Buyer: [terrified] take my money!
…and when you saw 3 sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when it took the entire Holy Trinity to carry you after all those piña coladas.
That’s no pocket rocket.
I feel like I’d really make more progress on my goal of being more positive if everyone wasn’t such a huge piece of shit all the time
Are chicken nuggets an emotion because i feel very chicken nuggets right now
Honey, your skirt is so short that your STD is showing.
American Ninja Warrior is a bunch of people who took “the floor is lava” game way to seriously as kids.
My son had a side hustle of selling King’s Hawaiian slider sandwiches to his dorm mates. And you know kids these days and cash. We were seeing these $3 Venmos going in the account around midnight many weeknights. I had to finally just ask him and then I offered to partner up.
[Scooby & the gang catch a regular guy]
“Let’s see who this ghost really is!”
No! Wait, I’m not-
[rip off face]
*gasps* “OLD MAN SKELETON?”
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
I am religious. I religiously avoid church.
I love twitter
I received some boob pics. Some of you men really have nice boobs.
Me: I like my whiskey like my marriage
Bar tender: On the rocks?
Me: What? No. Full of coke
I’m uncomfortable around tall people. what if they pick me up and put me on their shoulders
Buying a girl drinks at the bar is played out. You gotta send a pizza & a basket of wings to her table