[911 call]
“My hand’s stuck in a blender!”
“Turn it on then.”
“What?”
” I can’t hear it, turn it on so I know you’re not lying.”
You Might Also Like
Not to brag, but I can play a little guitar. Not a regular-sized one though.
When life hands you lemons, help me throw them at the kids on my lawn.
Me after 1 airport cocktail:
After 23 years together my wife asked me why I test out couches by laying on them. It’s like she doesn’t even know my track record by now
Nice try, evening news, but there’s nothing as scary as the three times I woke up accidentally pregnant
Seduce Angela Merkel by fondling the hem of her cardigan while whispering “Aren’t you too pretty to be a Chancellor?”
I’m not doubting that you’re 1/8th Pond People, but this is a research paper. You can’t cite “BOG WISDOM”
I bought a treadmill because I ran out of closet space for my clothes.
Age 8: Flinging myself off the swings at high speed onto a concrete floor, bouncing up instantly and laughing before bounding away like a gazelle.
Age 48: Raising my eyebrows in a slightly more robust way than usual and fracturing my skull.
Putting on a bra is like trying to wrestle two pigs into a potato sack.
Reading a magazine waiting at the checkout and was told, “this is not a library”, so I read it out loud.
People who say “Everything happens for a reason” don’t appreciate the irony when I push them down stairs.
Weirdos gonna weird.
People say sausage dogs are impractical but how many golden retrievers can run a fresh toilet roll under the cubicle door?
Note to the 82 year old widow who won the Powerball jackpot last night:
Sup, girl?
Stay in school, kids.
No, I mean really. Don’t come home. We need a break.
Hold on I’m about to count my money. Alright I’m done.
I withdraw my argument. I didn’t realise you had a meme to back you up.
My husband just showed me two pairs of khakis and asked me which one he should wear tonight. This is a trick, right?
*(whispering)they’re both the same
I wish I was as committed to anything the way infomercial actors are committed to over dramatizing their reaction to household chores.
My new years resolution is to stop biting my toenails. Nervous habit I picked up during all these meetings at work.
I hate it when my husband starts tossing around unnecessary words like “budget” & “shopaholic.”
Looking for my glasses that my 5yo hid, but not having much success because I CAN’T FIND MY GLASSES.
I’m not the type of superstitious idiot who worries about bad luck on Friday 13th. That’s silly. Me, I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of over-sexed teenagers, then kick back and chill.
[first day in Hell]
Me: I can’t wait to bust out of here
Devil: there is no escape
Me: no? [shakes kool-aid packet]
The pandemic has made it nearly impossible for me to get piggyback rides from strangers, so I’m really over it.
If someone asked me to describe myself in one word, I’d say, “nope.”
Sure, Billy Joel can make love to his tonic and gin but when I do it, I get a PH imbalance and a lifetime ban from my favourite bar.
*spends 30 minutes trying to unzip my pants to have sex for the first time*
*girlfriend sighs*
“Just take off the mittens”
MY HANDS ARE COLD
“Well can I at least pop home quick and get changed?”
-Me, getting my mugshot taken in my Chewbacca onesie