My medical bracelet just says “Call 911” because people are idiots
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fiance: “just pretend to be religious for 10 minutes and he’ll agree to marry us”
me: “okay”
[at church]
priest: “it’s nice to meet you both”
me: [seeing crucifixion statue on wall] “jesus what happened to this guy?”
[at a Doja Cat concert]
me [loudly]: PSPSPSPSPS
Keeping 6 ft away from me may protect you from my germs, but you’ll need to be a lot farther than that to avoid the glare from my heavily-sequined Christmas sweater.
I WON A HAM TODAY
“love means never having to say you’re sorry”
“that is not what love means”
“sorry”
Can’t, I’m still folding up this CVS receipt.
My New Year’s Resolution is to walk for an hour every day. By April I’ll be far enough away that my family will never find me.
I question Chrysler’s dedication to the safety of it’s customers with names like Dodge and Ram.
I can’t wait for this whole ordeal to be over, so my favorite pizza place can go back to rubbing their bare hands and feet all over my pizza before delivering it to me, like the good Lord intended.
Kids today have iPads, but when I was little my parents kept me busy on road trips by saying, ‘keep an eye on the trailer, and let us know if it falls off.’
*stood on Eiffel tower watching a beautiful sunset*
Sara?
*Gets down on one knee*
*audible gasp*
“Yes?”
Help my knee is made of magnets
my son swallowed our amazon dash button and now im afraid to hug him for fear of ordering another bulk order of goldfish snacks. am i cursed
[wife looking at credit card statement] did you buy a “talk like lil jon” audiobook
me: WHAT
Police looking for a man who stabbed six people with knitting needles.
He seems to be following some sort of pattern.
[after a fight]
Enjoy your peanuts and raisins, I whisper, eating all the M&Ms from the trail mix.
my tamagotchi skills didn’t translate into parenting skills as seamlessly as i had hoped
Baby, tonight let’s put the kids to bed, pour some wine, turn the lights down low & argue over whose turn it is to move the Elf on the Shelf
Cats will have a King sized bed all to themselves and still lie on the one spot where you left your sweatshirt.
Sometimes at the airport I’ll ask a stranger if they have an iphone charger and if they do I take mine out and say “nice, me too”
When I empty the dishwasher, I pretend to be a Blackjack dealer and deal out the silverware.
Nobody can turn an omelet into scrambled eggs quicker than me.
Me: did you like that movie?
Toddler: yeah but we better watch it 3 times a day for the next month just to be sure.
I think playing Zelda gave me unrealistic expectations of how much of my neighbors’ pottery I can smash
If your wife offers to cook you eggs and bacon at 3 in the morning, it’s not your wife and you’re at the Waffle House drunk again.
I asked my wife one simple question and now she’s all like “Why do you want to know if llama fur is flammable?” I can’t tell her anything.
Yelling at me for warming towels in the oven is not going to get the fire department here any faster.
I accidentally threw garbage in the mall Public Library return bin with a large “Not Garbage” sign and before I had time to feel bad, my boyfriend yelled
AHA SUCK IT, NERDS!
and that’s how he gets the bestest sex.
[phone call]
me: son, your mother’s in hospitalson: is it because she works there as a doctor?
me: *long pause* yes
son: stop doing this
My neighbor mentioned that her husband has baby soft feet, and don’t think I’m not going to bring that up every time I see him from now on.