Executioner: Any last words
Me: No, I’m –
My boss, running full speed: WAIT WAAIIIITTTT *gasping* I need you on this conference call
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Sometimes I rock it as a parent, other times I drop my phone on my sleeping child’s face while taking a picture of them. It’s called balance.
just taught my 3yo to sing “if you’re happy and you’ve no wit, clap your hands” and then laugh at the people clapping
GOD: I call this Tupperware
SATAN: remember when I let u crash at my place and u said u owed me one
G: yes
S: make the lid a little smaller
My second child was so overdue, when we left the hospital we dropped her off at kindergaten.
Dear Customer Service: First of all, you should know that Im typing this with my middle finger.
Imagine the conversations between
the fly on the wall and the elephant
in the room after everyone leaves.
her: the car isnt working. you need to do something about it
me: sure *to car* GET A JOB YOU LAZY CAR
her: i meant a mechanic
me: i really dont care what job
hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
Every time I see inside my neighbour’s incredibly pristine garage, I wonder what secret shenanigans he is up to in his basement.
I’m “by the time I find a gif, the conversation topic has changed” awkward in dm groups.
DATE: I want someone that’s mysterious & really into nature
ME: [leaves]
*First day as a fire investigator*
Me: We’re trying to figure out why your house burned down
Woman: Have you ruled out arson?
Me: *narrows eyes, looks at baby* No
Judge: State your name.
Me: Not Guilty
Judge: What?
Me: I had it legally changed.
Judge: You’re Not Guilty?
Me: *moonwalks outta there*
The perfect sticker placement doesn’t exi-
I just read a book about Stockholm Syndrome. It was terrible at first but by the end I kind of liked it.
I want a man that loves to play video games, loves to watch sports, loves to hang out with his friends, loves to spend time with his family, loves to read, has a full time job, and who enjoys having time to himself. Basically, I need someone who will leave me alone constantly.
sonic has been forcefully and unjustly removed from over 100 public pools. that is his walking speed. he wasn’t even running.
My dream is to become the first smart person to be interviewed by a newscaster live at a scene.
The best defense against auto theft is not The Club. It’s 65 empty water bottles in the back seat and a rear window full of stuffed animals.
Do dolphins have tattoos of single mothers on their arses?
The irish goodbye: leave without telling anyone
The Midwest goodbye: stand around for 4-8 more hours saying goodbye to the entire party
[Arguing with a guy over who’s tougher]
*takes toothpick from mouth* “When I started chewing this it was a full grown spruce.”
Of course he’s going to get re-elected, because once you go Black…
7: dad can you help me with this math problem
me: sure
me: [sees it] nope.
The math problem:
Before I die, I’m going to arrange for a friend to take my phone, and after the funeral, text everybody to say “thanks for coming” and other assorted messages of appreciation.
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board
me: i have a doctorate in mathematics
flight attendant: this man is dying
me: minus one
you can’t piss me off. you’re not the doorknob i keep getting my clothes caught on.
So bored I just logged into my LinkedIn account.
ME: these fireworks are so quiet
WIFE: those are palm trees
I won’t believe in God until “Thou shalt puffeth, puffeth once more and passeth to your neighbor” becomes a Commandment.