Sure reading a book under a tree is peaceful but imagine how stressful it is for the tree to see a bunch of it’s dead friends in your hand.
You Might Also Like
My favorite outdoor activity is looking for shade.
Hell yeah I wanna save a draft of that unaddressed email with nothing in the body.
It was an unfortunate incident, but at least Doug learned he should never lick his light saber after using it to cut chocolate cake.
Setting my alarm for 3am.
Going to text this to a coworker and go back to bed until 6.
Then we’ll be even.
[alarm clock buzzing]
BIRD: [groaning] ah man it’s too early
GOTH WORM: *bangs on window* Wake up you lazy sack of shit and eat my flesh
me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up
my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass
My dad’s pet name for my mom is tiger.
Let’s never discuss this again.
5-year-old: *pretending to be a T-rex* I’m going to eat you.
7-year-old: You can’t. It’s Lent.
Phones down.
Relationship Status:
My Christmas tree and I are sharing a large bottle of water.
A sip for you, a sip for me.
Me: What did you do at school today?
4yo: Nothing
M: You must have done something.
4: I don’t remember.
[Bedtime]
M: Goodnight.
4: Wait.
*Spends the next two hours telling me about his day in excruciating detail followed by a philisophical Q&A session*
A family of crows flying into a windmill is a murder suicide
Doctor: have you been getting enough fiber?
Me: this summer I accidentally ate a fly
I accidentally vacuumed up a live spider, so I did the right thing and returned the vacuum cleaner to Costco.
GENIE: and for your first wish?
ME: I wish that the end of every bag of chips was the start of another
GENIE: holy shit!
Remember back in season one of Covid, when we thought maybe we’d be in this for just five seasons like Breaking Bad, and now it’s like, surprise y’all, this is Grey’s Anatomy.
Trying this hot water diet where you drink a cup of hot water in the morning but so far all I’ve done is burn my tongue and eat 7 donuts.
my daughter just died of embarrassment when i accidentally appeared for two-tenths of a second in the background of her class zoom meeting. please respect my family’s privacy during this difficult time.
guy: man it’s raining tigers and wolves out there
first guy to say “it’s raining cats and dogs”: oh it’s not nearly that much
ME: *hugging my therapy dog* i love you so much
THERAPY DOG: same time next week and i’ll make a note to continue our boundaries discussion
My life coach refuses to tell me which motivational quote will protect me from corona virus 😡
Wife: You’re not using the instructions to build the bookcase?
Husband: Nope, I’m doing it entirely shelf-taught, haha
Wife: *eyes fixate on hammer*
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
Why did they call it a drawn-on six pack and not an abs tract painting.
gf: its over I can’t be with someone so cheap with such a bad temper
me: arghhh *grabs lamp and places it on it’s side against the wall*
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me, sweating: You finally found out I took my third grade teacher’s eraser without permission?
Cop:
Me:
Cop: Speeding
Me: Oh phew!
*reads an article on a subject I know* This is bullshit
*reads an article on a subject I don’t know* If it’s published it must be accurate
My apartment is a mess, I should move
If the virus can keep becoming a new version of itself so can you.
It’s not karma, you’re just an idiot.