THEM: “Pineapple should never be on pizza! It’s a fruit!”
ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] “Well, I have some bad news for you about where tomato sauce comes from, kid.”
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Clark Kent: *sets glasses on kitchen table*
Lois Lane: Is that our table? I don’t recognize it.
911, what’s your emergency?
Me (whispering): I’m holding a bagel in my right hand
Are you left handed?
No but I couldn’t use my right thumbprint to unlock my iPhone so I used the emergency button
Okay but why are you whispering?
I don’t want the killer to know I have a bagel
Me: *trying to hock a loogie*
Pawn shop owner: I’m not giving you any money for that.
[middle of the night]
Me: Wake up!
Wife: What?!
Me: I dreamt Dolores Umbridge banned my pig
Wife:
Me: But she couldn’t. It was HOGwarts
is he actually funny or have you just not had sex in a while
[first time skydiving]
me: oh no my charcuterie board
Hey neighbor…
Hope you…
Don’t mind…
Me borrowing…
Your…
Trampoline…
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Chewbacca mask at home tomorrow
It’s almost Mother’s Day.
Big shout out to the hamsters that eat their young.
son: I don’t think he likes me
wife: your dad just has a hard time showing affection
me: [holding bag of doritos] GOD I LOVE DORITOS
*leaving a wedding*
me: her dress was really beautiful
husband: whose?
me:
husband:
me: the…the bride’s
Going to a wedding this weekend. Can’t decide if I want to sit on the bride’s side or groom’s side because that’s basically choosing who I will represent in their future divorce. No pressure.
When your spouse comes to you excited about a toilet seat, it’s best to remind yourself this person will most likely decide when to pull your life support plug someday so you get excited with them about that toilet seat.
holy crap!! when I said “take care of them” I meant snacks & drinks
If you get pulled over by a cop, the smartest thing you can do is try and say “license and registration” at the same time he does and call “jinx” so he can’t say anything else.
Some say the glass is half empty. Some say it’s half full. I ask “Are you going to finish that?”.
Those three magical words:
“Where’s the plunger?”
😅🤣😂
Trying to figure out the exact number of food pieces that need to be in water to make it go from being gross to being soup.
Sing it!
Him: I’d prefer that you just remain unapologetic instead of offering up some non-apology.
Me: I’m sorry you feel that way.
I’m a leader, not a follower… Unless it’s into a dark place, then screw that, you’re going first.
asking my dentist if i can just drop my teeth off and pick them up when they’re ready
Friend: I haven’t had sex in years!
Me: meh, join the club
Friend: I haven’t had coffee in 5 days!
Me: DEAR GOD!!!
My crazy neighbor claims she was robbed last night. I know she is crazy because I found all her medication as I was breaking into her house.
People always say “unceremoniously fired” like it ever happens any other way. I’d like to see a big ceremony for firing somebody. Get the gang together. Order a cake. Wear some special robes.
DOCTOR: a new study says the meds ur on cause hallucinations
ME: oh
LARGE MENACING CACTUS THAT FOLLOWS ME EVERYWHERE: was it peer reviewed?
I have to go to a birthday dinner for someone I don’t like much, so I plan on bringing up politics right away so I can go home early.
WIFE: omg Will Smith’s son, Jaden, is dead
ME: where’d you see that?
W: Facebook
M: I’m pretty sure that’s a hoax
W: no Facebook is real
A couple friends who met at my bbq 10 years ago just got engaged.
I remember her asking me if he was some kind of criminal.