the “don’t confuse your google search with my medical degree” thing is especially funny to me bc i’ve seen my doctors google my symptoms in appointments
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[experiment to see if infinite monkeys on infinite typewriters will produce the complete works of shakespeare]
scientist 1: well?
scientist 2: close a few times sir, but someone keeps adding question marks to everything
s1, over loudspeaker: curious george to the front please
i’ve already had 2 cups of coffee and a can of coke this morning; i’m about to jump out of the plane and just run the rest of the way
Girl: I love Medieval Art
Boy: Who doesn’t? There he is now
Medieval Art: Good morrow! Pray tell- How fare thee on this day of providence?
“Is that the guy who doesn’t know how to use the word poignant?”
Yea shhh he’s coming over here
THE GUY: hey guys! long time no poignant
*first day as Robin Hood
“Ok, this is a TERRIBLE business model.”
Me: Hi, the names Pete. What’s yours?
Engelbert Humperdinck: Engelbert Humperdinck
Me: Fine, don’t tell me.
Kinda miss the Jane Austen era where a man is driven mad by a woman’s hand being ungloved & yet oblivious to her heaving bosom falling out.
I just shook my keyboard upside down. Breakfast is served.
Me: Do you have any homework due tomorrow?
13-year-old: Not that I remember.
Me: Do you want to check to refresh your memory?
13: I’d rather not.
My father will accept 10 ripe avocados in exchange for my hand in marriage.
You owe a corporation money: one member of your family will be drone strike’d daily until the debt is repaid
Corporation owes you money: if you can answer the mysterious hermit’s three riddles, the first of 80 payments in Indonesian rupiah will be made within 12-16 weeks
*signing sign in sheet*
(to myself): This will be worth a lot once I’m famous.
Hospital Nurse: Alright let’s get that pea out of your ear.
Got a new washer and dryer today, and I’ve been doing laundry all day long. I’ve washed everything that can be washed. Getting ready to go ask the neighbors for their laundry now.
Who the hell named it a ” Crop-Top ” and not a ” T-short “?
I was slicing leftover ham as my kids were watching Peppa Pig and I was momentarily very sorry
Not to brag but the guy working at the liquor store said I looked like I didn’t need any help.
When I’m guilted into going to a dinner party I didn’t want to, I like to sneak off into the kitchen and slip a few small pieces of LEGO into the pepper grinder that’ll be used at the table. That way dinner is colourful and festive.
I was asked to distress some pine furniture, so I told a bookcase that I was going to convert it into firewood.
that time Mario got bit by a radioactive koala
ME: *sees my shadow* holy shit i’m a groundhog
[vacuuming]
Pick up your feet please.
Kid on sofa: No!
Ok *sucks kid into vacuum feet first*
*turns to next kid* Pick up your feet please.
HER: do you own any firearms
ME [trying to impress]: no but I have some hot legs
Me: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.
[Dies]
Grim Reaper: I’m going to need you to journey with me to the afterlife.
Me: Dammit
I haven’t had a boyfriend in so long I’m down to my last hoodie
Can I get a Hallelujah?
Hallelujah!
Can I get an Amen?
Amen!
Can I get you to watch my kids for five minutes?
*crickets*
My boss said I have a lot of emotional intelligence which I think is his way of saying, “we’re worried about your actual intelligence”
WIFE: Did you sleep with my sister?
INSOMNIAC: No
My kid found a Disney movie marathon on tv and I found Captain Morgan in the freezer. Life is about balance.
If my calculator had a history, it would be more embarrassing than my browser history