911: what is your emergency
ME: there’s a fly in my house
911: hang tight sir we’re sending a swat team now
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lobster: [snapping claws menacingly] FEEL MY WRATH, HUMAN
me: [holding 2 rubber bands]
lobster: ah shit
oh i’d definitely choose flight over invisibility. i’d fly everywhere! to the living room, the bedroom. back to the living room. everywhere
Just looked in my 8 yr old son’s bedroom and I’m pretty sure it can’t be ruled out that the Malaysian jet may be in there somewhere.
The problem with movies, today, is that Shrek isn’t in all of them.
(understanding 0% of what I’m being told as i’m getting trained for my new job) that all makes perfect sense, no questions
Once I started pronouncing baseline like Vaseline things just really fell into place for me.
lol
Auto mechanic: Well here’s your problem. The last person to work on this didn’t wash their hands after using the restroom.
Morgan Freeman: Get busy living or get busy dying
Me: Hell yeah![After spending a week with me]
Morgan Freeman: Which….which one are you doing?
EARTH: hey there buddy why so sad?
ME: climate change is ravaging human existence with endless waves of disaster
EARTH: great just checking
INTERVIEWER: What are your strengths?
APPLICANT: I’m a detail-oriented team player
[nothing wacky happens because this is a job interview]
every other girl looks super cute in her leggings & boots & sweater and here i just look like your jazzercising aunt in her stirrup pants from 1991
Even my cats are sick of the snow..They meow to go out..I open the door..and they freeze and look at me like “WHY is this shit still here?”
– Are you upset?
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
– No.
This place is like batting practice with tomatoes.
This cat wants you to take your pills
me: sorry i couldn’t stay longer
friend: no that was long enough
[13th century]
[my messenger pigeon flys in carrying a note]
me: oh hell ya she replied [i open the note and it says “read 7:49 pm”] god damnit
Herbal tea…for when you want to drink some scented hot water.
This is my favorite Twitter interaction ever.
My Medical Emergency Contact is a girl from college who promised she’d pluck any stray hairs off my face if I slipped into a coma.
“What if we put wheels on this toilet?”
*inventor of the RV
My neighbours claim to be huge Disney fans but called the cops when I mowed the lawn Winnie the Pooh style
My “my wife is not having an affair with her karate teacher” headline is raising a lot of questions already answered by my headline.
If anyone asks me about a movie, I say I only go to movies for the popcorn.
My coworkers refused to believe I made the delicious Potluck lunch dish I brought and they kept claiming my wife did. In keeping with this toxic workplace atmosphere of distrust, I’m not telling them it was store bought.
How to get a girl to like you:
1. Become a lion tamer
2. Release a lion on her
3. Tame it right before it kills her
4. Take her to Chili’s?
*Emerging from a ten year coma*
Dad: Well look who finally got up
the hottest people have the worst stomach problems
My baby girl turns 2 today and I’m so glad I bought her all these presents so she can play with the empty boxes and wrapping paper