“911, what is your emergency?”
Yes I can’t hear my television
“Sir, this is not an emer-”
Someone keeps screaming “HELP ME!!” next door
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I’ve decided to stop using ladders. Put it down to “climb it change.”
What did one toilet say to the other?
You look flushed.
#ToiletDay #RubbishJokes
It’s one of life’s cruellest jokes that just as your kids reach an age where they’ll allow you to sleep through the night, your bladder hits the age that says, ‘no you won’t!’
I’m slightly concerned my answer for everything is masturbation. Can’t sleep? Masturbate. Poor? Masturbate. Lost the remote? Go for it.
why are they building a Whole Foods over here? we’re regular people, we need Quarter Foods
I thought I had an electric toothbrush, but it turns out I just have really unsteady hands.
I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years.
This is Beth. I said, introducing my kid.
And whats Beth short for? he asked.
Because shes only three. I answered.
I wanted to get this and my friend said “what, like sarcastically?” and wow burn
Zelda was easier as a kid because if you hit a hard puzzle you could just wait a few days for more brain matter to come in but now it’s the opposite, if a puzzle’s hard I have to rush to try and figure it out because I’ll probably be dumber tomorrow
PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
Who died and made you king? Oh the king before you died. Well that makes sen- Oh he was your father. Well then I’m very sorry for your loss.
“These are serious allegations”
You never hear about anyone making hilarious allegations.
When I’m old enough, my kids better not leave me alone with a box of Crayolas and anything upholstered
HER: knock it off!
CAT: lol ok
Long story short, hitler beat me up and has my time machine.
One time I went on the Hulk rollercoaster and had maybe the best picture ever taken of me
Reading tweets about the demise of cursive and remembered a man born in 1911 who printed in tiny capitals instead of cursive. He worked for a corporation. I wish I had asked him about it.
a true american can survive on just corn syrup and debt
Name this drama.
*texts* I need you, babe. Come over now.
[20 minutes later]
Oh hi! *holds out jar* Can you open this?
well, this sucks. apparently anti bird spikes work on you even if you’re not a bird but just like sitting high
I couldn’t find my car scraper this morning so I had to use a store discount card to scrape the ice. Didn’t really work tho, only got 20% off.
them: did u get my email?
me: [saw it but completely forgot to respond] omg no can u resend?
Once again, I have waited till the very last minute to do Christmas shopping. Today I shall battle my fellow procrastinators at the mall. “Here are some socks and underwear kids. I had to shank a woman For these”
boss: we have to let you go
me: why
boss: its the only speaking in lyrics thing
me: em…
boss: Although you’re not doing it now which is good
me: see!
boss: ok you can stay
me: *under my breath* a
*Magneto flapping his wrist frantically, trying to shake loose a fork stuck to his hand*
i saw this and everything about it annoyed me so i’m posting it in hopes that it annoys you too
[showing off scars]
ME: *lifting shirt* I’ve had this one for as long as I can remember
HER: that’s your bellybutton
Mirror mirror on the wall, can I call you Jim or something cuz I’m not saying mirror mirror on the wall every time. That’s just ridiculous
A spray bottle for people who stand too close in line.