“911, what is your emergency?”
Yes I can’t hear my television
“Sir, this is not an emer-”
Someone keeps screaming “HELP ME!!” next door
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All goalies should wear gorilla suits in the playoffs
Me: I love the 90s!
Grandparents: we have names
My 4yo is asserting dominance by calling me by my full name. I don’t like where this is going
[shows up 2 hours late for interview]
Sorry I was trying to get out of a beanbag chair.
grandma: more potatoes?
me: sure
*3 hours later*
grandma: *wiping sweat from her brow* more potatoes?
me: *locking eyes* sure
COP: Freeze!!!
EXCEL: LOL no problem
omfg i HATE when kids scream in public… u have no real problems. it should be me screaming. ME
A lot of Future Billionaires are currently in my mentions telling me how wrong I am about crypto (I didn’t really give an opinion either way but they’re HERE TO LET ME KNOW!). Dang boys you’re right. Gonna buy in and start hassling strangers online, this is how we get rich
[Day 5]
GOD: What do you think?
ANGEL: You’re tired. Why don’t we try making the birds tomorrow.
The worst part about crapping my pants at work was having to set the ACCIDENT FREE sign back to zero days in front of everybody.
whenever I watch shows like Love Island or Love Is Blind the first thing I think about is how they got that much annual leave
*sits gf down*
i am about to ask you a big question. if you dont know the answer then thats ok… *clears throat* where is the space jam dvd
wife: the car battery is dead and i’m gonna be late for work. can you jump it for me?
me: [punching car battery] you like making my wife late?
Me: Does the Nintendo Power Hotline still exist?
Cop: I suggest using your one phone call to contact a lawyer, sir.
Hate it when I put on active wear and nothing happens.
DATING TIP: PULL THE CHAIR OUT FOR HER. PICK THE CHAIR UP & FOLD IT. HIT HER OVER THE HEAD WITH THE CHAIR. GET THE 3 COUNT. NEW WWE CHAMPION
my new app automatically cuts wifi access to your teen’s phone if they are in the bathroom over 10min
Men’s 3-in-1 soap is for your hair, body, and car.
Sneaking into your house and eating just enough of the marshmallows out of your Lucky Charms to make you sad, but not suspicious.
my kid said her friend was ‘absinthe’ from class today and I’m wondering if should inform their parents
One pretty good way to pass the time is Thanksgiving is to wait until teenagers are sending a text message and then ask “OK, so is THAT Fortnite?” and also giving thanks for Fortnite during the prayer and also describing delicious side dishes as “Totally Fortnite”
Satan: Welcome to hell, where it’s hot and never not! Any questions?
Me: Yeah, where’s the second circle? They’re expecting me.
At work, my colleagues are well-educated, dedicated professionals who do their best to assure quality and a positive result.
At home, my colleague is a 4yo who gets underfoot as I work in the yard—but who yells at every passerby “I’M HELPING DADDY!!!”
I like this way better.
One time in jail and I asked someone what her favorite cheese was and she said shredded.
me: why do you involve your friends in all our fights
her: “that’s not true”
text from Beth: that’s not true
I said I was mad at myself.
My 4yo son looked at me. “There are fancier words for mad,” he said, fixing my hair. “You should say irritated.”
Parenting is much harder nowadays. For example, you have to be able to push a kid on a swing and tweet at the same time.
[6 month dentist visit]
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Every 6 months
Self employment is endlessly odd because obviously there’s so much freedom but I’m always trying to minimize breaks, deciding a set amount of tasks have to be done before I can get lunch, making passive aggressive stickey notes to stay focused, just fully harassing my employees