911: whats the emergency?
∞: hi, i am 8. i have fallen and can’t get up.
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My friend was complaining that when her husband gets dressed, he does sock, shoe, sock, shoe. What a weirdo! Everyone knows it’s sock, sock, shoe, shoe, pants.
huge if true: the moon
Peter Parker having to juggle a day job with being a superhero in 2023 feels stupid. Just launch a Patreon my man. Throw a PayPal link in that Spider-bio
glass half empty: I just found an old banana in my kid’s backpack
glass half full: It’s only 6 days old
There are zero recorded incidents
of mountain lions attacking
someone running
to the fridge for a snack.
Me: *eating chips in bed*
Husband: I thought you said no eating in the bed.
Me: We live in a different world now.
Husband: So, I can-
Me: *interrupts* No.
Super disappointing that the government is taking so long to distribute and administer the murder hornets
If you are interested in me, now is the time to shoot your shot. My standards are incredibly low.
genie: i can grant u any three wishes, anything u desire
me: ok i wish for a mcflurry
genie: ah sorry the machine isn’t working right now
“but it will confuse children” is the dumbest talking point. everything confuses children, they’re idiots. do you explain other shit in the world or you just tell them giraffes are strange dogs
If you love someone just tell them. Or get drunk and text them 75 times, that’s practically the same thing.
Growing up I didn’t think the expensive addiction that would ruin me would be Heinz ketchup but here we are
ME: How much for this aggressive bottle of water?
FIREFIGHTER: Sir that’s a hydrant
wife: [kissing me] let’s roleplay
me: ok
wife: pretend you’re my daddy
me: ok
wife I’ve been a bad girl
me: why’d u marry that idiot
A parent’s autobiography called “But I Just Sat Back Down” and all the chapters start with “Ugh.”
Son: mom, you wanna dance with me?
Me, who has no rhythm: *dances*
Son: maybe you can just watch me instead.
I put some fridge magnets on my fridge door and now it’s covered in fridges
ME: [first day as an NFL head coach] What position do you play no. 26
HIM: I’m a running back.
ME: LOL, ok Mario, in my team we run forward.
Paramedic: sir, blink twice if you can hear me
Me:
Wife: try again. I bet he can hear you, he’s just not listening
Imagining the Matrix pill scene if Neo bent down and ate the red pill directly out of Morpheus’ hand like a petting zoo goat and Morpheus completely froze weirded out
All Tolkien’s tweets would be numbered and his shortest thread would be 65345 tweets
most embarrassing email exchange I ever had:
– Sent an email
– They replied & called me “Mautice”
– I reply with a stink about how my name is properly spelled and that it’s actually really important to me
– They told me to check my 1st email
– I had misspelled my own name
It’s amazing how many errands I’m willing to run when family is in town. No, no you relax. I’ll go.
It just occurred to me that you could substitute Miranda rights for wedding vows. Verbatim
Baby is your name pasture because you reek of pure bullshit
Who needs whips and chains? Christian should have had Ana read Fifty Shades of Grey if he wanted to torture her.
[Looking round a museum]
ME: Hey Patricia, have you seen this pterodactyl?DATE: Yeah, but *smiles* you don’t pronounce the p
ME: Oh God I’m such an idiot! I feel stupid now, Atricia
I think if the knotted muscle between my neck and shoulder ever released it would shoot my head off like a slingshot
Her: What’s your fantasy?
Me: Sexy nurse!
H: Meet me in the bedroom.
[10 minutes later]
*we both come in wearing nurse costumes*
M: Uh.
When rapping in my car, I hold my phone to my ear so passersby think I’m on an intense business call.