911 what’s the emergency?
“How do u unburn pizza?”
U burnt a pizza
“Yes”
I’ll send a squad car
“Ok will they help?”
No ur under arrest
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The problem w marriage is communication. When I said I hoped he’d go down in a plane I meant more crash & burn, less on the flight attendant
Forty is the new thirty!
At least it is according to the loan shark to whom I now owe an additional ten grand.
If I had a dollar for anytime a man said he was in love with me I would definitely be homeless
(at the pearly gates)
St. Peter: Say “worchestershire”
Me: Oh God I knew it
My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I repeat, THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
– My dentist, to his trainee hygienist, who keeps passing him the wrong implements.
Everyone in Canada is really pretty which means I should probably move there
Co-worker at “Team-building exercise”: What the hell?!
Me: It’s called a “trust fall,” not a “trust catch.”
is frankincense just very honest incense?
Whatever, hissing raccoon. Sitting there, judging me. I didn’t mean to throw the cake in the trash so it’s still fair game.
Me: This “Fear the Walking Dead” show is really creepy.
Wife: This is the Video Music Awards.
Popeye just relied on the spinach to turn him into a bucking mule or his hands into sledgehammers. He really had no fighting technique.
I only sleep with my laptop so that if I ever get a boyfriend I’ll be used to sharing the bed
*goes to wedding*
*gives the couple 2 coupons for a free Big Mac as their wedding gift*
*walks away feeling really good about this decision*
I invited Jim for dinner
“Jim from church or Jim who travels everywhere by catapult?”
[Loud thud on the roof]
*sigh* “I’ll get the ladders”
We do these things not because they are easy. We do these things because we thought that they might be easy.
Me: I’m copying & pasting some text & clicking “keep formatting.” no need to change the case
Word: sweet, I’ll change the font
Me: no no keep the font
Word: ok I’ll just change the size
Me: please keep the size the same
Word: u want a different colour u cheeky lil shit lol
ME: we have a problem, they’re out of hot dogs
HER: that’s ok, i’m vegan
ME: ok we have two problems
My son had a rough day so I played Fortnite with him and the lesson that I learned is that I hate Fortnite.
Why an exclamation point after “R.I.P.”? You don’t need to shout.
They’re dead.
me: ooh wonder what kind of hawk that is
my 5yo, helpfully: maybe a mo-hawk
How to lose an argument with an idiot – 1 Argue.
My cardio is tripping on the sidewalk and pretending to jog for 5 feet.
Wordle is trying to tell me something
⬜⬜🟩⬜⬜
⬜⬜🟩⬜⬜
⬜⬜🟩⬜⬜
⬜⬜🟩⬜⬜
⬜⬜🟩⬜⬜
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
Me: Thanks for helping me move.
The Rock: No problem. Hey let me grab this box-
Me: NO, DON’T! IT’S FULL OF-
[The Rock gets crushed]
-paper…
Spent the entire day milking a single almond.
As a child I had the impression that I would be offered free drugs by strangers much more frequently than the 0 times it’s happened.
Ice cream guys gotta be furious about the moment food trucks are having. They spend hot summers driving around neighborhoods in search of a clientele with basically no money. Food trucks just drop anchor in an office park and suddenly everyone loses their shit for grilled cheese.
me: are u 2 girls from England
them: Wales u idiot
me: sorry are u 2 whales from England
wife: Can we get a kids menu?
waitress *brings one*
wife
me
wife
me [already doing the maze]
wife: Can we get 2 kids menus?