911 what’s the emergency
“Please help, I made too much spaghetti”
Relax sir, we’ve all been th—*spaghetti starts coming out of the phone*
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They’ll find Bigfoot before they find a Smoothie store that’s been open for more than 2 years.
My 3yo instructed me to be the monster at the park but just as I was about to grab her she shouted “hey monster, it’s lunch time!” so I’m super impressed with her survival skills
I never had children but I still get to watch my dogs find clever ways to avoid eating broccoli.
@funTweeters
For “Mean Tweets”Oh I see now, those aren’t your measurements, it’s the fluctuations in your IQ score!
guys in LA in their 30s are like “i love going camping, i love sleeping outside.” and it’s like, ok, why do you bother having your parents pay your rent then?
[NASCAR Press Conference]
REPORTER: What’s your race strategy?
DRIVER: Fast circles
So it turns out you can eat cranberry sauce when it’s not Thanksgiving and nothing happens. You don’t get arrested or anything.
I may not look good naked, but I’m a beautiful person on the insi….
Hahahaha just kidding
I look great naked
a store that sells jeans and khakis should be called a pantry
I put the “pro” in inappropriate
I’ll kiss a close talker just to teach them a lesson.
doctor: drugs have destroyed your body
me: you should see the other guy
doctor: what other guy
me: only i can see him
A Serial Killer Known For Ripping Out Tounges Entered The Buzzfeed Office And What He Did Next Left Us Speechless
I better help you finish that whiskey before it spoils.
do beavers even know what they’re doing or do they just see water flowing down a river and think “absolutely not”
wife *buying dinosaur balloons*
clerk: Is it someone’s birthday? *smiles at toddler*
wife: It is
clerk: How old?
wife: 35
I guess somewhere around the age of 12 it became my turn to go on the computer, and it still is. my turn just didn’t end. more than a decade later I’m still here, on the computer
“Well this is silly”
– me describing a window sill
first you must answer his riddles
It’s cute how alcohol comes in a paper bag so when you hit rock bottom you have something to hyperventilate into.
Let’s make a calendar where the models look worse as the year goes on so I feel like I’m progressing in my fitness goals
Dear law students: my opposing counsel just asked her witness how old she was when she turned 18. You’ll be fine.
Whenever I need a few more minutes to get ready, I walk into the living room and say “My dad has that same shirt ” and then watch my husband’s head explode.
A white American told me I shouldn’t call myself “British” because brown people aren’t native to Britain.
A white American
White. American.
so tell me….is there a mama ghanoush?
[first date]
HER: Aww, look at that poor old woman at the table in the corner, sitting all alone.
ME: That’s my mom. She wanted to check you out.
MOM: *shakes head, makes throat-cutting gesture*
ME: Don’t worry. That means she likes you.
With all due respect, your kid sneezed on me first.
I tried flirting with my hairdresser today.
I said, “Do you comb hair often?”
My young children are currently screaming because they collectively ate the last two bananas in this house and they both want more.
THIS IS BANANARCHY.
One time in LA I heard a girl tell her friend she made out in an Uber on a date then asked her friend “What’s the farthest you’ve ever gone in an Uber?” and her friend replied “Burbank.” and I’m convinced even Mel Brooks couldn’t have written a better setup and punchline.