“911, what’s the emergency?”
we were robbed. they stole the wireless router
“calm down”
also they shot my grandma or something. not sure
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During the bank robbery, I was the one who heroically soiled himself & cried in order to incapacitate the robbers with laughter
I just passed a beer truck on the highway.
“Wait a minute. I’m named after beer?!!?”
-My 6 yr old son, Miller
ME: i miss my friends, today i will text them
MY BRAIN: it might be weird because you haven’t texted in so long
ME: you are right, i will wait a little longer to text them
Boss: How ‘bout I dangle a carrot in front of you?
Me *reports him to Human Resources*
Every time you block report some porn bot for spam, I lose another follower.
‘Hit me with your pet shark’ #RuinAn80sSong
parents love texting “call me as soon as you can.” then being like “i just wanted to know if you’d seen westworld”
LIFE HACK: Make your waist feel dramatically smaller by accidentally trying on maternity pants.
My friend was bleeding, and the first aid book told me to apply pressure…
..So I told him if he didn’t stop bleeding right away, he’d die
Twitter should give you 5,000 followers when you start and then you have to try and lose them.
Cellmate, menacing: what are you in for
Me, thru gritted teeth: breaking the law
Some church people knocked on my door and said they wanted to tell me about the afterlife. I told them I’m trying to avoid any spoilers.
It’s been a horrible day. This morning my ex got ran over by a fed ex truck. Then I lost my job at fed ex.
Car Salesman: We’ll give you $3,500 on the trade in…
Me: $3,800
Salesman: …but I’m going by Blue Book…
Me: Yeah but there’s at least $300 dollars in change trapped between the seats.
Salesman:
Me: Jesus, are these… are these claw marks in the sand?
Jesus: I put you on the back of an emu lololololol
Martial arts movie, starring me
Master: You wish to learn to fight?
Me: Yes
Master: The training is very difficult
Me: Oh then no
The End
I never knew the word “mom” could even have 7 syllables until I had kids.
I went to AutoZone and asked for window shield wipers. Window shield. I can never go back.
2020 has lasted five years but October only lasted a week.
It’s so cute how all the free sandwiches in the fridge at work have little names.
I’m growing a ponytail so no one will ever ask me to hold their baby.
Wife says I shouldn’t look at my phone in public because I get distracted and lose track of her and the kids. Can’t wait to tell her how wrong she is, once I find them at this Farmer’s Market.
[Walking my chihuahua]
Dude: “Is it OK if I pet you dog?”
Me: “Sure. Go ahead”
*Dude pets dog; dog bites off 3 fingers
Dude: “Aaargh. WTF, man!”
Me: “Yeah. I wish he’d stop doing that.”
BREAKING: Scientists send teen girl back in time to report on WWII. “Hitler’s haircut is literally the worst,” she writes. “Also he’s mean.”
When someone looks over my shoulder while I’m on the computer, I open up a new tab and start searching, “HOW TO KILL THE PERSON BEHIND ME.”
I lied. There was no crime. I just wanted to see how long it would take the police sketch artist to realize I was describing Patrick Swayze.
thin ice you say? *starts riverdancing*
[on phone with attorney]
HIM: you’re being charged for murder.
ME: damn that sounds expensive i guess you can just put it on my Amex
Quarantine Day 31: I joined a Facebook group where we all pretend to be ants in an ant colony