Lint Bizkit #LaundrySongsAndBands
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Oh wow Linda the pizza here “isn’t even close” to what you had studying abroad in Rome? The pizza at this airport Sbarro’s isn’t doing it for you? I am shocked
When my husband is mad at me,
I like to point at my wedding ring
and whisper “forever”
Well that was fun with a capital no it wasn’t
[watching Joker]
Joker: ha-
me: [to my date] he’s gonna say ha now
Joker: -ha
Date: ᴴᵒˡʸ ˢʰᶦᵗ
[at a job fair]
Me: Where’s the ferris wheel?
Co-worker’s hair looks like he cut the wrong wire.
A Quiet Place but it’s just me trying to open a piece of cheese without my dog hearing
2022 just sounds like you lost track while counting
[seance]
wife: “if there are any spirits here please show us a sign”
me:
wife:
me:
wife: “keith, say something”
me: “im scared”
[glass starts to move on ouija board]
H I S C A R E D
me: “goddamnit dad”
I bet the skeletons, in my gay coworker’s closet, are having a dress up party with fabulous clothes.
If the number 666 is considered evil, then technically, 25.8069758 is the root of all evil.
greys anatomy is so unrealistic. there is no way you can have sex in a place that smells like a hospital
Son: Do you know what Sin City is?
Me: Las Vegas.
S: Okay do you know what Den City is?
M: I have no clue.
S: Mass over volume.-I almost said Denver 🤦♀️
ME: well well well, look who’s about to make a killing
MURDERER: [just stabs me even harder]
My favorite bible character is the woman who wanted the baby and then when Solomon said he would cut the baby in half was like “hell yeah, gimme those legs”
If the grocery store didn’t want me to climb shelves then they wouldn’t put things so up so high.
M: Bless me Father for I have sinned.
P: You’re not even Catholic.
M: You don’t want to hear what I did?
P: Oh, I do. I’ve read your tweets.
who called it a motorhome and not a casa roll
-phone call-
Me: I can’t stop eating
Friend: omg me too
M: I eat all the time
F: I’m always eating
M: I’m eating cheese now
F: I love cheese
Me: I want cereal
F: yes!
M: and cake
F: or a donut
M: yup
F:
M:
F:
M: anyway good to catch up
F: so good
M: take care
F: bye
The Little Mermaid is a bullshit title. She was a regular sized mermaid.
I don’t drink. This means when I do karaoke, it’s on purpose.
My computer: hey friend, I’ve only got 55 minutes left on my battery
My computer two minutes later: LMAO!! *dies*
Newsreader: “And now Tom with the weather.”
Weatherman: “It’s Tim, actually.”
Newsreader: “Sorry. And now Tom with the tim.”
World domination? I don’t even want to be responsible for myself.
Why do they call it multiple personality disorder and not being a people-person?
This day in history. 1887. A farmer in Montana claimed he found a 15 inch long snowflake and his wife said that means it was about 3 inches.
That unspoken group dynamic when all your friends are in an Uber on your way to the club and the people in the backseat are lit, dancing and scream talking and the person in the front seat is the group’s PR person and talks to the driver and just keeps saying “I’m sorry for that”
I hate grocery shopping. That’s why I just steal a full cart when somebody turns away. I never know what I’m getting, but it sure is faster.
“GUYS! GET UP! THE HOME INVASION ALARM IS GOING OFF AGAIN!”
~My dog when the doorbell rings