911: Whats ur emergency?
“OMG my neighbours cat is stuck on the roof-”
911: Ma’am, this is an emergency only service-
“-of my sons mouth.”
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The only lyrics I can make out in the song “Informer” are “Hey farrrrmer…something….a leaky boom boom cow”.
Not 100% sure though.
Baby are you the middle of July because I was not ready for you at all and feel very aware that I should have been working out
I haven’t prevented a single forest fire.
Is it possible that Smokey was talking to someone behind me?
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
-Octopus preparing for a fight
Read someone say, “just had a Starbucks lemon water with sugar Yumm!”
I never claimed to have an IQ higher than the temperature inside a refrigerator but I believe that’s called lemonade..
I hate when I make a joke and everyone says, “Too soon.”
I’m sorry, if I wait any longer the funeral will be over.
I just dropped my pen on the public restroom floor.
I’ll miss that pen.
Whatisthelongbuttonatthebottomofthekeyboardfor?
Check your privilege
Reasons to carry a handkerchief:
3) You’ve never heard of tissues
2) You’re doing a magic trick
1) You’re hiding your face to rob a train
step 6: release the wall snake
“two heads are better than one” – guy who collects heads
[7 peaking around kitchen looking at stuff]
Me: What’s the matter, what are you looking for?
7: Can you keep it down, you’re cooking too loud and I can’t hear the TV
[weapons store]
ME: *holding up a spare pin* Has anybody seen my grenade?
Me at 15: I can’t wait to make my own money and buy whatever I want
Me now: *rinses off a sliced cheese that fell on the floor*
Wife: We are lost
Me: *driving a Nissan Pathfinder* LOL I think we’ll be fine
{keeps yelling HIT ME at a tarot card reading}
When I had no money, I had few friends, but no enemies
Btw, I still have no money, in case you were thinking of becoming my friend or enemy
That bear was just minding its own business. You brought that granola bar into the situation. Should have brought enough to share.
Apparently it is “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
this husky was supposed to learn how to swim, but discovered that she could just float instead
(jukin media)
me: hey can i get some ground?
groundhog: you may not.
Unimpressed
[The Lost World: Jurassic Park]
Ian Malcolm: Where you’re going is the only place on Earth where the geese chase you
Me: This guy doesn’t know shit about geese.
Nobody needed expensive gym memberships in the 70s. They had rotary dial phones.
podcaster 40 mins into an ep: okay, so let’s just dive right in
Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”
ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed?
VICTIM: No
ME: *writing ‘probably a snake’ in my notepad* Thank you.