911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?
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Kid packed for a 3 day trip to his grandparents with 1 t-shirt, 1 pair of underwear, and 7 pairs of socks. I have a few questions
My favorite animal is fried chicken.
What kind of therapist does a cat see?
A pspspsychologist
“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
“Which plumber?”
I’m so anti-social, my misery loathes company.
My wife trusts me with a joint bank account but when I’m loading the dishwasher she always walks in the kitchen “to get something.”
Life of an Editor:
I just sat here for a good minute or so going, “Goatfully? That can’t be it. What’s the word I’m looking for? STOP saying ‘goatfully,’ brain!”
It was “sheepishly,” folks.
forged some of the most powerful bonds of my entire life on the beach like this
I saw this late last night before bed and it literally haunted my dreams
My next door neighbour just accused me of stealing clothes from her washing line. I nearly shit her pants
Met a cute guy named Jack.
I grabbed his hand and dramatically said, “I’ll never let go, Jack!”
He quickly left. It’s okay though. My heart will go on.
I LEFT MY TEDDY IN MY ROOM AND THE HOUSEKEEPER DID THIS??;!;!;!!;!;
I wonder what the part of my brain that used to store people’s phone numbers is doing now.
[Speed dating]
Me: “Toilet paper, over or under?”
Her: “Und..”
Me: *flips table* NEXT!!!!!
Its crucial to teach your kids life lessons at home each day
Today’s lesson is: If you like your life DO NOT WAKE MOMMY UP AT 6AM EVER AGAIN
My Fitbit mistook my panic attack for high intensity interval training.
[parole hearing]
OFFICER: are u reformed?
ME: I—
O: go on
M: I th—
O: tell us
M: I’m—
O: yes
M: can I finish my sentence
O: ok parole denied
Me: who ate all the cookies!?
Toddler: it was the ninja
Me: did you see the ninja?
6yo: well no it’s a ninja
10 years ago I got my dream job in MI5 and the rest is [redacted]
I hate it when I gain 10 pounds for a role and then realize I’m not even an actor.
Me, after seeing photos of myself: Maybe I DO need to exercise and eat healthy.
Also me: *double-fisting two glasses of chocolate milk at midnight*
“WHAT IS IT? WHAT IS GOING ON? IS THAT RAIN? OH GOD I WISH I HAD EYES” – Worms
Her: I want a man who will carry me to the bedroom
Me: I gotchu babe *Gives piggyback*
[the instructor clearly frustrated with me on first day of veterinary school]
“It doesn’t matter if its a dog, it’s still called a cat scan”
The best part about pooping with the door open is seeing the faces of everyone in the elevator.
What’s that thing called where every time you stand up you have to limp for the first minute? Oh yeah…39
The folks who write fragrance commercials must be like “I had the weirdest dream, Imma put it on TV.”
ceimr
thats “crime” but in alphabetical order
organized crime
An obese old man who breaks into your house at night? A tiny flying woman who buys your dead teeth? It’s a wonder children can sleep at all.
The Welsh language was invented by a dad losing at Scrabble.