911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?
You Might Also Like
Now I lay me down to rest.
I pray your TC loves you best.
If he does choose another,
I sincerely hope it’s not your mother.
[camping]
Him: Did you eat the last s’more?
Me: No.
Him: You’re lying.
Me: How do you know?
Him: Your pants are literally on fire.
That escalated quickly
– Me to 4 unamused strangers on the Mall escalator.
My wife said she enjoys my singing voice so I always sing “We Are The Champions” whenever I win at sex.
There are two reasons I often don’t reciprocate:
1. I get distracted.
Avoid the horror of watching your children’s nativity this year by using a condom approximately six years before you have to attend.
the Mona Lisa looks like someone’s told a joke and she’s trying to be polite but doesn’t quite get it
When the Olympics finally introduces the event “Dropping your phone and very nearly catching it but not quite” then you’ll all see me shine.
Her: I like guys that are confident
Me *looking her square in the eye* worcestershire
I hate when people talk to me while I’m using the restroom, the other day, this guy was all like “Sir this is a display model at Home Depot”
Wanna make a boyfriend? Choose someone who’s still playing Wordle. He’ll never leave you.
If a woman wears a hair tie around her wrist you can be sure she is always ready for something, like maybe a brisk jog away from men who misinterpret meaningless gestures as every woman wants to be viewed sexually.
interviewer: any questions?
me: yes, what are your strengths?
[first day as a baker]
boss: open this door. you better not be making sculptures again
me: ahh [frantically trying to hide bread pitt and angelina doughlie] just a second
I’ve decided that bringing a condom to a gunfight wasn’t the smartest choice for protection.
[looks over neighbour’s fence while he’s in the pool]
“Dude, we get it. You can hold your breath for [looks at watch] 19 days.”
Never realized how out of shape I was until I started sweating after using scissors for 30 seconds.
I set a rat trap last night & this morning the cheese was gone & there was a picture of my kids in it, what does this mean
Me: So you’re allergic to avocados?
Her: Yup…
Me: Like a vampire?
Her: No that’s garlic.
Me: Oh, like a werewolf?
Her: No, those are silver bullets.
Me: Not avocado bullets?
Her: Don’t…
Me:
Her: Don’t do it…
Me: Fired from a…
Her: *sigh*
Me: Glockamole…
Her: I hate you
A car hit me once, but it was okay because I’m autoimmune
In my thesis, I will demonstrate how it is possible to herd large, feverish deer into narrow passageways by playing the music of The Eagles. Welcome to the Hot Elk Alley Formula.
Running with scissors is stupid. Throw the the scissors ahead of you and run to where they landed. Repeat until you arrive safely at your destination.
Grammar: The difference between knowing your shit and knowing you’re shit.
this idiot cop is still behind me w/ his siren on, I keep moving out of the way & waving & yelling “GO AROUND,” man is he stupid
My ancestors watching me pay $10 for a pint of ice cream
the legend of bigfoot and the bodacious badonkadonk
Me: I won’t be needing you to help me work through my problems anymore.
Therapist: why’s that?
Me: I got a dog.
When I see a flash mob in public I immediately join in to make it seem like they didn’t practice enough.
If you yell mosquito you can slap anyone in the face