@PrinceGreenJr: *trains 1 million soldier ants* *gets carried to work*

@LorieGZ: My husband thinks The Bachelor show is fake, they're all there to be actors, and that it's total bullshit. Then he turned to wrestling.

@ericsshadow: ME: have you seen my keys? WIFE: check your pockets ME: nope [phone rings] ME: hello? CIA: check your other pocket

@MartaEffing: I paid 4 the lady in front of me @ Starbucks. She hugged me. Deciding when it's the right time 2 tell her I hit her car in the parking lot.

@TheSeanBrewster: I was feeling depressed, then saw a guy with one arm and thought "oh man, I could be getting so much more sympathy if I was missing an arm!"