@RandiLawson: Then there were 3 sets of footprints & God said "This is Deb. She answered my Craigslist ad & U r the one who said we should try new things"

@PerfectPending: If you've never said "I love you too" in a way that sounds a tad bit angry, then you must not have kids you are trying to put to bed.

@NickSchug: If you encounter a bear you should either play dead or be so vibrant that the bear is like "whatever this person seems exhausting."

@thejamietighe: In a car crash a dog would rescue you. However a cat would pour liquor over your face and testify against you in court.

@TeaAndCopy: WIFE: You overreact to everything! ME: [phones police]