ME: we should do this agai-
DATE: im busy that day
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An advantage of working at home is enjoying your cat’s company. It would be nice though if she did some typing, light filing, and answered some phone calls
KID: *falls out of tree* I’m fine
ADULT: *sleeps on neck a little strangely* I have to turn my whole body to look at you for the next week
LONELY OPTIMUS PRIME: *hires a ford escort service*
An owl showing some catlike behavior.
My Body: we’re hungover
Me: but I didn’t drink anything
My Body: I don’t make the rules
I just ran into my high school bully and it was great cause I’m doing well and he’s 17 which is very old for a dog
Marriage means commitment. So does insanity.
Coincidence?
[first day as a doctor]
patient: how bad is it
me: [forgetting the word for spine] you broke your bone rope
VOTERS: we want to give a boat a ridiculous name
UK: no
VOTERS: we want to break up the EU and trash the world economy
UK: fine
Sometimes I get my Twitter app and my Tinder app confused. I know now that talking about skin suits to prospective dates is not “funny”.
Officer: Ma’am we take these complaints very seriously so we do need to search your home.
Me: But not the basement, right?
Jane Fonda as bottles of hand wash.
A thread.
“Do you know what female deer are called?”
“Does”
“Sorry – does you know what female deer are called?”
Meanwhile, at School:
Teacher- “How much is a gram?”
Laure- “Depends on what you want”
Teacher- “Out, just get out”
#YouOwnedHimDude
A giant rabbit died on a United flight. One man is suspected of foul play. We tried to reach him for comment but he’s being vewy vewy quiet.
*firefighter wraps me in blanket after he rescues me*
Um I just came out of a fire so I’m pretty hot actually
I’ve been to Iraq twice and Afghanistan once. Still not as scary as my ex’s number popping up on my phone this morning.
Any psychic who needs a door bell to let them know someone is there is probably not worth the money.
I don’t like Haiku because you have to do poetry AND math.
If I answer my phone and you ask for me by my full name, there’s a 100% chance we’re about to be disconnected.
[wine class]
Swirl your wine. Inhale its aroma. What do you smell?
ME: wine
Can you smell its buttery oaky notes?
ME: nope, still wine
(on a first date knowing women like it when you ask questions about them) what the hells wrong with you
[two australians playing chess in a restaurant]
check, mate
*everyone explodes*
Coworker: See you next year. Hahaha
Me: Not if you die tonight. Hahaha
My cat is meowing loudly so I told her to use her indoor voice and she was like, “bitch, I’m an indoor cat. This IS my indoor voice.”
Get your employees to work harder by “accidentally” leaving articles on the printer about reducing staff.
“Hola! I’m Señor Coconut, children”
[cracks head on the pavement. Children scream]
“Drink me. Drink me. I’m full of vitamins and minerals”
[cute guy approaches at bar]
Him: Hey can I…
Me: [blushing] Yes?
Him: Can I get a pic of you for my mom? You look just like my grandpa.
Me: Would you bring me the mattress cover off your bed?
Son: *looks puzzled* The what?
Me: The mattress cover. The quilted looking sheet.
Son:
Me: The final boss sheet at the bottom.
Son: Oh that.
Dinner is ready!
-my smoke detector