@Sickayduh: "911, what's your emerg-"
"The women at work have synced their uteri and it's Hell"
"Sir uteri is not plural for ute-"
"TAMPI EVERYWHERE"
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@rockymomax: [kissing at a bar] HER: wanna get out of here? ME: (glances over at the menu and sees they have potato skins) not really
@mompsychologist: 5yo after licking my face: "Sorry. My mouth meant to kiss you but my brain told me to lick you."
@ExcuseMyTweets: The door is closed? I want in. The door is open? I want out. Actually I just want to sit in the door frame itself. - Pets
@darksidedeb: I want a 21 cinnamon bun salute at my funeral.
@krustythe_klown: I'm gonna hang a Batman outfit in my closet to screw with me when I get Alzheimer's
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