911 what’s your emergency?
I FARTED ON THE FIRST DATE.
Ma’am we don’t–
IT SOUNDED LIKE A BALLOON ANIMAL ASKING A QUESTION
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Me : Dating is tough. Lots of weirdos out there ..
Me on first Date : so here’s everything I know about the Jonestown massacre.!
When someone compliments me on here, my gut reaction is to say, “YEAH OKAY AND WHAT IF I’M A CATFISH?!”
…I am not a catfish.
Why am I like this?
7-ELEVEN CUSTOMER: Ew! This slurpee machine is full of weird dirt!
MANAGER: Weird dirt? But that means…
*cut to Dracula flailing around in a coffin filled with blue berry blast*
cant sleep because i keep thinking about the time i went into my garage and saw a raccoon holding a pen correctly
Never ask a girl “How are you single?”
BECAUSE THEY WILL SHOW YOU
COP: u were swerving a lot so i have to conduct a sobriety test
ME: ok
COP: lets get taco bell
ME: no
COP: text ur ex
ME: no
COP: ok ur good
I miss Taco Bell so much that tonight I drank a bottle of gorilla laxative.
Dear kangaroos, what’s stopping you from looking like this?
You didn’t question the free nachos or the ride in the van. But now that I’ve got a knife to your throat you’re all “why, why?”
me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?
Unsolicited sandwich pics.
Interviewer: What drives you?
Me: The bus mostly
Interviewer: I mean what motivates you to get out of bed in the morning?
M: missing the bus
*knocks over a huge display at the grocery store*
(raises arms in the air)
Ta-da!
Covid has me stifling a cough in public like I’m trying to hide a bite wound in a zombie movie.
me: im fine, everything’s fine
my search history: i beg to differ
The only reason I watch political speeches is cause I’m hoping there’s gonna be a sniper.
This story is comedy gold 😂
Is there anything less intimidating than a cop on a bicycle?
Wobble on, agent of justice, wobble on.
Hit the showers. Smack a sink. Verbally assault a bathtub. Make everyone at Home Depot uncomfortable.
If you die on the toilet, you die in real life.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who sees you eating the chicken nuggets he said he didn’t want
9: if a cigar is just made from a plant then why can’t kids have them?
me: I’m just trying to drink my morning coffee man.
I hate spelling errors
You mix up two letters and your whole tweet is urined
Whoever came up with *gobsmacked* should name all of our emotional responses.
[a trampoline that allows me to get from the couch to the fridge in one bounce]
* Guy at board meeting pitching the idea for a Roomba
You ever notice how sometimes you’re too drunk to vacuum ?
I spilled beer on a guy. He said “You wanna dance?” I said “Can’t, I don’t have my dancing shoes on.” He was so disappointed, he beat me up.
A Tale of Two Cities 2: A Tale of Three Cities
Son: You act like the dog is better than me.
Me: Sit
*dog sits immediately*
*son hesitates and then sits*Me: I rest my case
Me: Define Illegal
Cop: You’re drunk, riding a horse, shooting a gun and yelling ‘For Narnia’
Me: I want my lawyer.