Husband: *snoring*
Me: [slowly rolls him off the bed with my feet] THUMP
Husband: What the hell?
Me: OMG! Did you feel that earthquake?
You Might Also Like
“There is a policeman in here and he will ARREST YOU.” And other inspirational things I say to my kids when we’re in public.
Just ruined another 3yo’s life by failing to find a non existent toy they didn’t bring to school
Buddhist Monk: thinking is the cause of human suffering so we must let go of the mind. This takes many years
me: you want to lose your mind?
BM: yes
me: and you aren’t allowed to marry and have children
BM: right
me: ah, I see the difficulty
Cannot stress enough that Saint Valentine was also the patron saint of bees so even if you’re single you have plenty to celebrate today
Me: Shout out to all my homies!
Homies: Stop shouting at us.
the show The Witcher is incredibly unfaithful to the game. where are the shots of Henry Cavill spending 7 to 10 minutes unsuccessfully trying to climb a small wall
Just found the worst page in the entire dictionary. What I saw was disgraceful, disgusting, dishonest, and disingenuous.
ENEMY: can you smell that? That’s fear.
ME: the baked goods?
ENEMY: no. focus on your fear.
ME: we must be knife fighting behind a bakery
Don’t mind me while I aim the remote at your face and make fast-forward button gestures.
[BANK ROBBERY]
TELLER: The cops have you surrounded.
ROBBER *red dot zeroes in on his chest*: no no NO!
[He’s taken out by dozens of cats]
*sips iced coffee*
man I’ve been feeling so anxious lately
*has another iced coffee*
I wonder why I had that panic attack the other night
*chugs redbull*
my social anxiety has been a waking nightmare
*takes a bath in cold brew and espresso with a 5 hour energy face mask*
me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?
This device could predict incoming phone calls.
I have a very particular set of skills, skills I acquired over a long career. Skills that – ugh hold on
*covers phone*
MOM I’M ON THE PHONE!
The guy I paid to pave my driveway hasn’t shown up in two weeks.
I’m not worried tho. I’m sure he’ll resurface one day.
Just picturing a bunch of roombas praying to a statue of a full sized vacuum cleaner
me: how much gas do i have?
car: empty.
me: ok but HOW empty?
I bet deaf people scare the shit out of bank tellers when they hand them a note.
feeling sad today. can everyone please send cute pictures of their credit card, front and back?
OK, THAT’S IT! [angrily slams newspaper down on table] I am DONE with the Family Circus!
The TP factory remains safe, as the would-be theives were flushed out before they could wipe up the inventory.
I thought $3 eggs 🥚 were a lot
Until a saw a small bag of pistachios at the Airport going for $18
I saw that post about caramelizing onions taking 90 minutes and i just want to know why that person found every onion in the tri-county area and put it in a small cast iron pan
It’s like yeah, guy, if you put eighty onions in a thimble, it’s gonna take a fortnight to caramelize
Locked in the house because the earth is on fire, dreaming of simpler times, when we were locked in the house because of a catastrophic pandemic.
[God creating pufferfish]
How about a terrifying balloon
I work hard so that the possum that lives in my garage can have a better childhood than I did
Told my 9 year old school is cancelled for at least 4 weeks due to coronavirus and he asked why scientists don’t just develop “nanorobots to go in our blood and eat the virus.” So if you lazy scientists could hurry it up he’d appreciate it thnx
[wife gets in the car after talking with the priest]
“What did the priest have to say?”
“He said you have to stop rapping over the choir.”
ME: we can probably take our masks off now since we’re outside
BANK ROBBER: you massive idiot
[first date]
him, a cop: so tell me about yourself
me: not without my lawyer present