Well, this is awkward
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My kids challenged me to a cartwheel contest.
Long story short, now my chiropractor has a new boat.
Me: this is my favorite place to do cartwheels but you have to watch out for the rocks
Date: those are headstones
After watching a movie you can find interviews, commentaries, trivia. When you finish a book there’s one thread from 2014 asking if the author has apologized for their inaccurate portrayal of arthritis.
*at a family reunion, jesus pours a drink and hands it to santa claus*
so, how are we related again?
Fighting on twitter be like 🤣
Trainer: Diet to hit your goal weight.
Me: Then what?
Trainer: Diet forever to maintain it.
Me: *heading to Pizza Hut* Nvm.
So my mom suggested today that I use Twitter to find a boyfriend. I told her that only works if you’re already married.
The best ways to spell the name Sean: 1. Sean 2. Shawn 3. Shaun 4. Chone 5. Shnzzang 6. Beans! 7. Ulurion 8. Shon?
You only pronounce the ugh in doughnut when it’s so, so, good. That’s why American doughnuts are spelled like donut.
I told my kids I’d rather they “pull the plug” than let me live in a vegetative state dependent on machines.
So they hid my phone charger.
Dance like you aren’t depressed. Sing like you didn’t kill that homeless guy. Love like you don’t have herpes.
[Deleting all work emails]
THESE DON’T BRING ME JOY!
My kid came home from his field trip covered in paint, missing one sock, and carrying two pumpkins and had the nerve to say his field trip was “fine”.
Hahaha this stupid baby on the bus thinks they can cry louder than me
Like my nana used to always say, “screen shots say more about the person sharing them than anything else”
Lois Lane survived until she was, like, 30, without Superman. Then she starts falling off buildings practically once a week.
I think Superman was pushing her.
Me: i’ve lost 10 pounds in 2 weeks
Friend: Wow! What’s your secret?
Me: be fat first
Customize Your Wedding.
One time I hung out with a dudes friend so my hot friend could flirt with the dude and long story short I made him cry after he said that he got “stuck with me”.
DATE: I want someone that brings me fancy gifts
ME, A CROW: [revealing a shiny bottle cap I found] m’lady
Def Leppard are a bunch of liars. I poured some sugar on a girl one time and it was a complete mess, she was not happy at all.
[chatting up a man in camouflage pants]
Where’d you get those tree legs, garden boy
That’s no pocket rocket.
Dr: You’ve gained some weight
Me: You said I should take it easy
Dr: That was a yr ago & you were sick
Me: WELL I’M NOT A MIND READER
A long time ago a wine expert said ‘it has an okay flavor’ but the guy heard ‘oaky flavor’ & now people want their wine to taste like trees
The pizza guy just said “see u tomorrow”
Maybe I eat too much pizza …
I wonder if my bank account thinks about me and has panic attacks.
My toddler just tried to change the channel with a chicken finger and since I had the remote in my hand I totally let him think it worked.
When someone RTs me, I get as excited as I used to when I was ten and I got mail
My daughter actually submitted this feedback at school. Not sure if I should ground her or buy her ice cream…