911: what’s your emergency?
me: I taught my Dad how to text
911: the problem ma’am?
me: he CALLS to say “yeah, got ur text”
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Do you sell bloodpants?
“Nope”
Shitpants?
“Nope”
Droolpants?
“Nope”
Sweatpants?
“Right this way…”
met a guy in the produce section, but once i saw his super healthy cart i said Kale No
CYCLOPS: How do u spell Hawaii?
WIFE [biting lip] well..u need 2 i’s
CYCLOPS [puts pen down] my life is just a joke to u isn’t it Linda
I haven’t been in my bathroom ever since my daughter told me she had “done a number four”.
“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
friend: my dad said he was “going for cigarettes” and never came back
me: oh wow me too
[meanwhile]
Our dads: *raggedy beards* let’s try aisle 7
Going commando is the closest I’ll ever get to joining the army.
I received many personality traits from my mom, but she got her short temper from me.
This chloroform smells expensiv…
These flies don’t taste like fruit at all.
Which wines pair best with gloating?
4 y/o: how does Santa go to everyone’s house in one night
me: warp speed
4 y/o: warp speed isn’t real
me: neither is Santa go to sleep
My psychiatrist is mad at me, told him I could hear people but couldn’t see them…he said when does this happen…I said over the phone
“…tell me I can’t have a fish… I want a fish I’ll damn well have a fish… she’s not the boss of me… don’t know who that woman thinks she is…”
FRIEND: What do you think?
ME: *passing joint* Hell yes!
Me: Well I don’t wanna blow my own trumpet…
Brass Band Conductor Who Is Auditioning Me: Please do.
I love you just the way you are.
Though I do have a few suggestions.
when im having a bad day i remember a time i walked into a public bathroom&turned the lights on&heard a guy in the last stall say”thank god”
I think I overdosed on comfort food last night….
That makes 7,427 days in a row.
My wife & I went to a costume party as each other. She walked around pointing at things, asking how much they cost. I showed up 2 hrs late.
Judas: The one I kiss is Jesus Christ.
Soldier: You can just point to him.
Judas: (putting on lip-balm) I don’t tell you how to do your job.
all i did was tell my dad i’m anaemic 😭😭
“I want frog legs.”
-Fancy restaurant order or the coolest plastic surgery request ever
If Jesus was a cat we’d have nine Easters.
me: so did it hurt?
her: yes, a lot
me: when i splashed that salsa in your eye?
her: I SAID YES
I love crunchy peanut butter because one day someone just did a half @$$ed job and convinced people it was on purpose
Stopped in a country store yesterday and they were not selling any countries. 0 out of 10. Would not recommend.
Superman comfortably getting dressed in a phone booth indicates he had the body of a 10th grader.
People who say they don’t have a mean bone in their body haven’t had their back go out on them.
When my wife does our daughter’s hair: “How about a double French braid swirled into a fancy bun?”
When I do her hair: “How about a hat?”