911: what’s your emergency?
me: I taught my Dad how to text
911: the problem ma’am?
me: he CALLS to say “yeah, got ur text”
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dog: why can’t I see colors?
me: you’re visually impaired.
dog: what’s impai?
me: *finds new bruise*
brain: press it
I hate it when I have to go pee at someone else’s house but there’s no toilet paper, so I’m forced to use the hand towel hanging so festively above the sink.
Look, if I have to stop to explain the reasoning behind everything I do, I’ll never get anything done, so could you please just let me finish the construction of this banana cannon
Me: Tel the doctor I’m coughing up a lung and need to be seen ASAP.
Medical Clerk: That’s awful, hun. How about a month from Monday.
[helping son with math]
Me: Problem one…(reading)…ok…(reads #2)…(reads #3)…(keeps reading)…ask your teacher for help tomorrow
I made the mistake of smelling one of my 6yo’s socks to see if it was dirty. I will now just assume all socks are dirty.
Humans™
they start off corded but convert to wireless easily
Date: Before you I had Brazilian boyfriends
Me: That’s not even a real number
Now taking applications to pretend to be my boyfriend on Saturday and go with me to my friend’s kid’s graduation party. I can’t pay anything but you can steal stuff from their house
No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body
Me: eats spicy Szechuan for lunch
My guts the next day: look, we’ve had this discussion before
Boss: you look a bit lost
Me: Yeah, sometimes I really wish I’d listened to you
Boss: About what
Me: Dunno. I wasn’t listening
Me: Can you tell the girl in the white dress I think she’s hot?
Priest: Absolutely not
God created women and the devil taught her to smile.
Why is sugar SO addictive, and broccoli is just like, “I’ll be here when you need me”
Sure visiting family can be hard but it’s also the most efficient way to explain to your partner why you are the way you are
We’ve all got that one family member who’s an embarrassment and this restraining order suggests my family’s settled on me.
horse prosecutor: did you do it?
horse defendant: neigh
horse prosecutor: here, have some water and think again
horse defense attorney: objection! leading the witness!
If you ring my doorbell I’ll look through the camera, if you don’t have a pizza or donut box I’m not opening the door.
Guy: you’ve been a bad girl.
Girl: yes baby, punish me.
Guy: OK. *burns all her shoes*.
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
Her: Does that dog actually play chess?
Me: He’s not so smart. I beat him 2 games out of 3.
*Dog Barks
Me: Alright, 1 game out of 3.
Ugh having a body is so uncomfortable
My wife just found a coupon for lice treatment and yelled to everyone in the house “if you’re gonna get lice, people, get it now!”
5 Stages of Pregnancy:
1: Crying
2: Peeing
3: Crying because you peed
4: Peeing because you’re crying
5: The toilet is your home now
Seagulls are the annoying drunk white girls of the bird community.
Me: I don’t want to fill up on bread.
Executioner: This is literally your last meal.